“The Negro Wave is a lot more homoe-erotic than I remember.” – Jesse Joyce

That could be the nicest thing Jesse Joyce has ever said. One day Moses will let him actually judge instead of cutting him off when tries to offer advice. What a star-studded group. Willie Hunter is the co-creator and a writer on The Carmichael Show despite titling it incorrectly in his Twitter bio. Jeremiah Watkins is on every great show in comedy, including his own “Stand-Up on the Spot” which has been included in many listicles as a must-see show. Jamar Neighbors, who was once upon a time a fantastic battler, will be in this summer’s “Keanu” and won the internet once. Haiti is an American citizen finally and has survived being born in Haiti, a much harder task than getting your comedy on TV. They, along with Earl Skakel, are irreplaceable parts of the show. If you make the Wave move the you’re doing your job right.

Quick announcement! The Roast Report is going corporate! Kinda. The powers that be would like all the content in one place so we’re moving over to the verbalviolence.tv home page! In addition to Heavy Jay Light (7-6, 8) now being in charge of the thing I created, we’ll be joined Pat Barker (8-2, 3) and Keith Carey (8-4, 4)! Pat’s already shown us his writing prowess and Keith is a hate-filled individual and I can’t wait to see how it translates to written form. There will be fun stuff like Battler Spotlight, Throwback Battle of the Week and Top Moments (now with video!). Will there be less errors? Obviously! Will it lead to more clicks? I think so. Will it lead to more retweets? If it doesn’t, I’ll be pissed.

Now. Kick back, order some pot and enjoy maybe the last time you get unfiltered Josh before I’m asked to change something because one person didn’t like it.

In the first undercard, Galina Ravina (1-0) dismantled Graham Rodgers (0-1)

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Wow. Do not fuck with Galina Ravina (1-0). We’re going on two and a half years and someone like Galina can show up and still impress the hell out of everyone. I agree with Moses when he said he dropped the most fire ginger joke I have ever heard. Calm, cool and collected was she as she slammed dunk Graham back to the friend zone. She was four for four and scored our first flawless victory in a while. It doesn’t matter that she looks like she just got done with a mall photo shoot with four of her friends.

GALINA ON GRAHAM

“Graham didn’t finish college but lots of college guys have finished on him.”

“Graham’s dad is in jail which is lot like his comedy; they’re both sucking for three-five.”

“Graham looks like he face-swapped with Kathy Griffin’s pussy.”

“Graham you look like the only bloody tampon that’s never been in a woman.”

???. She was perfect. She moved the Wave. She got invited to the champagne room by Earl, which isn’t terribly hard to do. Graham? He’s my buddy. But yikes. Mike Lawrence, what did you think?

“Your stage presence is terrible.You act like you’re a white rapper at a venue your dad owns.”

Omg. Graham got owned from all directions. His jokes weren’t bad! Oh wait, yes they were. His dad just called from jail and said even though he was was violated in the shower this morning, it was still the worst a Rodgers boy had been violated all year.

GRAHAM ON GALINA

“‘Galina’ means chicken in Spanish (it very doesn’t) which begs the question; who came first, Galina or her stepdad?”

“Galina looks like Mila Kunis got fucked by a troll doll.”

“Galina auditioned to be the bait on ‘To Catch a Predator’ but lost the role to a nine-year-old by with bigger tits,”

“Galina’s pussy smells so bad that when she left Cleveland, Lebron came back.”

Galina, can’t wait to have you back. Graham? Yea, cool man.

???/???! All to Galina and the judges!

In the second undercard, nobody one between Matt Walker (0-0) and Manny Ortiz (0-1, NC)!

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One thing is for sure in this picture, Moses is not laughing at something said by either of the battlers. It’s a testament to how good of a photographer Troy Conrad is that he snapped a picture of Manny while Manny wasn’t reading from his phone. Seriously bro? This is like a huge show in front of all your peers. There’s a chance Manny juuuust learned to read too because he still stumbled.

MANNY ON MATT

“Despite being a ginger, an internet troll and a nerd in general, Matt is quite popular with the ladies. So popular, he currently holds one of the top ten profiles on Megan’s Law.”

“Many people were saddened this week when hearing about Grandma’s Boy’s Doris Roberts passing away. For Matt it hit closer to home since he still lives at home with his grandma.”

To quote Josh Meyrowitz, “Oy Vayzmere”. Someone yelled from the crowd for him to stop reading and that still didn’t stop Manny from his quest to bomb. If you listen real close, you can still hear Manny setting up a bad joke. I’m almost more mad at Matt Walker. First of all, is he Graham Rodger’s dad? Second of all, any other roaster on the planet would have seen their opponent reading from their notes and sealed up the easy W. Here are his “jokes.”

MATT ON MANNY

“Manny Ortiz is an aspiring tattoo artist but I don’t think hell find many clients because who gets a tattoo outside of a Home Depot?”

“Manny actually has a son that he’s not allowed to see which is pretty sad because even rape babies need a father.”

Conceptually, I like the “Home Depot” joke. But unfortunately, Matt has the stage presence and charisma of damp cardboard. Jessey Joyce, take it away.

“I feel like we could have just gone down to the DMV and picked any two random people, with no heads up that they’d have to say stuff into a microphone and we would have gotten the exact same level of comedic output.”

???/???!

In the third undercard, Matt LeGrande (1-0) validated my confidence in him and took out Jake Sachs (1-1)!

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Poor Jake Sachs. He came to the stage full of mostly unearned confidence and was struck down beautifully. I didn’t know someone could be more unlikeable than Casear Lizardo (2-2) or Adi Gordon (0-1, NC) but Jake Sachs did it. He had set ups. He had what he thought were punchlines. But half of winning the undercards is the crowd liking you. And there was no way Jake was winning that. At least he left the show with some babes.

JAKE ON MATT

“Most parents favorite moment of their life is when they have a son. Yours was when you came out of the closet. They haven’t seen you since. “

“Matt spent his childhood in Indonesia and Africa; so he had AIDS before he was gay.”

“Matt’s mom wishes his dad was Eric Clapton so that when he was a baby, he would’ve fallen out of a window.”

BOOOOO. The one about Matt’s parents is extra indicative of who Jake is as a person because he says “son” and not “child”. I only included three jokes so I could get three of Matt’s bangers in the post. Jake got destroyed by everyone in the judge feedback portion. Even Meyrowitz roasted him. Bert Kreischer said one of the best things I’ve ever heard at a comedy show in reference to Jake’s confidence/performance/jokes.

“It was like getting raped with a small dick. 

‘You feel that bitch?’

‘No, I don’t.’” 

I’m still LOLing. Matt, thank you for putting this dude in his place and, as Tony Hinchcliffe pointed out, the first ever “I fucked your dad” joke at the Roast Battle.

MATT ON JAKE

“Jake you look like if a tub of protein powder knew the words to every Smashmouth song.”

“The difference between you and me is I suck dick for pleasure; you look like you suck dick for hair gel.”

“Jake, I can tell you’re into me. Because you’ve been working on that dad bod ever since I fucked your father.”

Well done, LeGrande! You earned the capital G in your name.

???/???! All for Matt and Bert. None for Jake.

The final undercard found Nicole Schreiber (1-0) edging out Chris Lev (0-1)!

“She looks like she’s trying to start a Kickstarter to open a yarn store.” – Jesse Joyce outdoing both battlers with one sentence

This started off with Nicole suggesting that she’d let the Wave smash but only if they’re fine with getting Moses’ sloppy seconds. That’s how you get the crowd on your side! Suggest interracial relations! If you listen closely, you can still hear Earl throwing up in his mouth. This battle had a lot of potential but something was missing…oh it was good jokes! They both had their moments. Chris taught everyone a valuable lesson. If a judge or one of the Haters steps on a joke of yours; scrap it. Yours probably isn’t as good. Both battlers were so hit-and-miss. They each had two jokes bomb and two jokes hit. Here are their jokes that hit.

NICOLE ON CHRIS

“Chris, if you need an extra source of income you can always AirBnB your forehead.”

“Chris is so short, he had to join the lower case kkk.”

CHRIS ON NICOLE

“Before comedy, Nicole did nude figure modeling. The figure was stick.”

“Nicole’s dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, which is a touchy subject for her and a shaky subject for him.”

Nicole had her last joke bomb but Chris is very plain and not a woman so Nicole got the W. Hey, at least I had a perfect night picking battles!

?/???!

And in the Main Event, mama’s boy Frank “Mijo” Castillo (8-5, 13) overcame “Captain” Stu Thompson (4-4, 18)!

The first round of this battle was everything I promised you. The jokes were absolute fire. The rest of the battle was absolute decent. The best part of the battle was watching Frank’s mom’s reaction to her son saying “glory hole”. This battle looks like it was court-ordered by Judge Judy in order to resolve a dispute between a rich white guy and a day laborer. Frank took the first round due to having a stronger performance. Stuart took the second due to the show needing a third round. Frank may have won the battle but Bert Kreischer won the war when he checked out of his drunken state to make sure he wasn’t getting the mic taken away. Also, major shout out to Coach Tea for playing this battle out with a Prince jam before it was cool to bring him up.

STUART ON FRANK

“Frank is Mexican but he looks Muslim. Either way, I agree with Trump.”

“Frank’s not naturally bald. His family got paid two dollars an hour to pluck it all off.”

“Frank loves his dad so much he dedicated his twenties to looking like him.”

“Frank went to Palomar Collge: a school whose motto is ‘So You Couldn’t Figure Out the University of Phoenix’s web site?’”

“Frank does do a lot of drugs. Frank smokes so much pot his spirit animal is a drug mule.”

FRANK ON STUART

“Stuart’s so clean that he brings his own bib to a glory hole.”

“Stuart has the face that gives older black people PTSD.”

“Stuart’s so white he doesn’t look finished.”

“Stuart always looks like he’s about to play tennis.”

“Stuart’s girlfriend wears the pants in the relationship and that’s because Stuart always wears capris.”

???/?????!

JOKES OF THE NIGHT

“Graham you look like the only bloody tampon that’s never been in a woman.” – top joke of the night

“Jake, I can tell you’re into me. Because you’ve been working on that dad bod ever since I fucked your father.”

“Chris, if you need an extra source of income you can always AirBnB your forehead.”

“Nicole’s dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, which is a touchy subject for her and a shaky subject for him.”

“Frank loves his dad so much he dedicated his twenties to looking like him.”

“Stuart’s so white he doesn’t look finished.”

Bert Kreischer. Just him as a person.

I am 106-69 in picks. Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

WRITTEN BY LEAD REPORTER JOSH WALDRON

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