by Keith Carey
Before we get into this week’s action, an announcement: next week’s battles will be filmed for Comedy Central as we move closer to bringing this crazy-ass show to television! The lineup is going to be stacked high with the best of the best, so stay tuned to Roast Battle on Twitter and Facebook for ticket info! And if you’re in Chicago, Austin, or New York, make sure you see a taping when Roast Battle comes to your town!
Alright, enough fucking around, let’s talk about this week’s fights!
In the first undercard of the evening, Robbie Goodwin (2-0, Unranked) gets down and dirty with Jacob Bunney (0-2, Unranked)!
“This looks like a Keanu Reeves cloning experiment gone wrong.”- The Saudi Prince, beginning an all-night hot streak
Robbie and Jacob both take the stage with a casual confidence that belies their relative lack of experience. After a bit of friendly bickering and some interjections from the Saudi Prince, the gloves come off and we’re officially in Battle mode.
“Jacob is like Jerry Garcia, in that he takes too much acid and we’d be grateful if he was dead.”
“Robbie does impressions because even he’d rather hear somebody else do comedy.”
“Jacob’s into S&M. He ties girls up and makes them listen to his tight 5.”
“Robbie has a thousand yard stare, because that’s how far he has to stay from school zones.”
Both battlers have decent, albeit not explosive, jokes. Jacob stammers on a couple, Robbie pounces with a well executed retort, and Goodwin takes a decent win.
The undercards continue as Albert Escobedo (4-0, #45) executes Kyle Gridley (2-2, #47)!
Kyle comes up first, with the shifty eyes and creep smile of that kid in school who owned a bunch of swords and lived with his grandma for some reason. Moses asks him why he’s taking on Albert:
“He’s a criminal who got divorced and fucked a tranny. Also he’s a dirty Mexican.” – Kyle Gridley
The crowd pulls back a bit. Despite how offensive this show is, without some clever spin the audience will turn on unfiltered racism/anti-tranny sentiment, and this misstep ultimately plants the seeds for what comes next. Albert takes the stage, avoids committing any hate crimes, and the bell rings.
“Kyle’s so fat he avoids his abusive father so there aren’t two elephants in the room.”
“Albert’s last wrestling match finished the same way his fiancé does; with another man on top.”
“Kyle’s mom is Guatemalan. His dad is a rape van.”
“Albert became a veterinarian to help his family…and all other animals.”
Kyle goes 0 for 3, hitting hard silence on every joke. In this reporter’s opinion, he may have had a better shot without such an off-putting intro. Regardless, Albert’s jokes connect, he joins the 4-0 club, and the Saudi Prince offers Gridley some career advice:
“You should just stick to saying ‘Hodor’ over and over.” – The Saudi Prince
Better luck next time, McGriddles.
The final undercard of the night pits Stuart “Human Mayonnaise” Thompson (5-4, #27) against Hormoz “Literally Ugly In Every Way A Person Can Be Ugly” Rashidi (4-4-1, #25)!
“Hormoz looks like he sleeps on ISIS’ couch.”- Jeff Ross
“I look like I have lice-IS.”- Hormoz Rashidi
“I don’t think you understand how Roast Battle works.”- Jeff Ross
There’s a palpable change in the energy as these two take the stage. That electric crackle is in the air. These are two of the finest battlers on the scene, and they come in with sharp jokes and well-earned swagger.
“Stuart is so white, his family hasn’t had any color since they owned some.”
“Hormoz’s jokes are like Arab pilots. They don’t land.”
“Stuart’s used to coming in second. By that I mean Jay Light fucked his girlfriend before him.”
“Hormoz looks like his balls smell worse after he showers.”
Hormoz has a hard time connecting a punch. Jeff Ross asks him if everything’s alright at home, and it starts to feel like an intervention. The judges are quick to hand Stuart the win.
“I was impressed considering you have the charisma of a textbook.”- Nick Youssef
With the undercards out of the way, we move into the Main Events, as Anna Valenzuela (3-1, #36) brings down the hammer on Josh Waldron (2-4, #49).
That energy shift escalates again. The whole room can tell this is going to be a fight to remember and they are very right. These bitches come locked, loaded, and ready to tear each other in half.
This was Anna’s night. If there’s an MVP of this week, it’s her. No disrespect to Josh, who also had phenomenal jokes, but Anna did something that rarely happens, which is open with a joke that hits so hard it’s pretty much over from jump:
“Josh looks like a 3D printer got stuck on the word ‘faggot.’”
The crowd fucking detonates, and what follows are three rounds of razor-sharp attacks.
“Anna grew up in a one horse town. As the horse.”
“Josh doesn’t have a car. He’d be happy to catch a ride on any of your coat tails.”
“Anna’s so old the cottage cheese in her thighs is expired.”
“That’s not a man bun, it’s what they use to fish Josh out of an asshole.”
“Anna vapes because those clouds are the closest she can get to her dead parents.”
“Josh, show me on your career where Hollywood won’t touch you.”
“Anna looks like Mexican Medusa, except nobody’s ever gotten hard after looking at her.”
“One time I thought Josh got me wet, but that was just our periods syncing up.”
BARS. It’s tied going into round 3 but Anna lands every punch, while Josh falters a couple times. Miss Valenzuela is declared the winner, and when some meathead in the back tells her to take her shirt off she defiantly flips double birds.
Don’t sexually harass the female battlers, you guys. It’s hard enough for them to get up there since women are scientifically less funny than real people.
And to close out the night, Jay Light (8-6, #11) and Tom Goss (4-3, #12) bring their all to the ring!
“Fuck, I would hate to be the guy who beheads you.”- Saudi Prince on Tom’s thick neck
“You guys look like you met in the locker you were both stuffed in.”- Jeff Ross
“I’ve never seen this level of Donkey Kong before.”- Saudi Prince
It might be 12:30 on a Tuesday, but by the time these two animals take the stage the crowd is as alive as they’ve ever been. Tom chugs a beer and offers recovering addict Jay “another chance to lose to alcoholism.” Tom is a weird, sweaty pinball of a performer, and it’s amazing to watch crowds go all the way from being confused and worried by him to falling in love with his broken brain over the course of a battle.
Jay approaches the stage with the confidence and swagger of Roast Battle’s finest. He’s become synonymous with the show, and with being part of the greatest battles we’ve ever seen in the Belly Room. Moses announces he’ll be fighting America’s sour-faced sweetheart Ashley Barnhill in Austin and I think about booking a flight before the bell rings and the battle begins.
“Tom took Special Ed classes. He didn’t have any extra chromosomes, though, he ate those.”
“Jay’s the kind of guy who’ll help you move your couch and then will live on it for 6 to 8 months.”
“Tom used to play hockey but he still has a problem with icing.”
“Jay’s smile looks like Craigslist pussy.”
“Tom has so much emotional baggage it’s illegal to leave him alone at an airport.”
“Jay’s so anemic he eats girls out on their period for the iron.”
“Tom dates abuse victims and drug addicts. He likes his women like chicken tenders; battered and fried.”
“I’m glad Jay quit drinking and driving. It would be terrible for the comedy scene to lose another great car.”
“Tom was in so many psych wards in high school he got a varsity straitjacket.”
“Jay, if I try to kill myself again it’ll be right here, knowing that the most stage time you get that week will be cleaning up my body.”
Scorched earth. The crowd goes nuts. The battle is neck and neck (and that’s just Tom), but Jay lands a powerful hit in overtime and Tom can’t recover, giving Light the edge to take a hard-earned win. Truly a fantastic fight, and a fitting cap to a great night at the Comedy Store.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.