Give it up for Jeremiah! He has died a thousand deaths as a part of The Wave and it gets better every week. Hopefully you caught his show, “Stand-Up On The Spot”, this past week. It was wonderful. If not, it happens every second Tuesday of the month in the Belly Room before the battles! But not always. No real news for now in the roasting world. You should be checking out Jay Light’s write-ups of our East Coast iteration, the Roastmaster’s! It’s well written, insightful and almost as good as this one. Probably better given that his record (7-3, 4) reigns supreme over mine (2-2, 31). We’ve got some stuff brewing in the coming months and new ranks should be delivered by the Committee over the weekend. For now, enjoy more pics from the Great Photog Troy Conrad! His show, “Set List” is one of the best around and will be all around SoCal and NYC over the next month. Get info here and check it out!
Our fearless leader and host, wearing a black shirt (surprise!).
I find it hard to believe any one of these three drink water on a regular basis.
Pat Regan must have just spotted Greg’s dad in the crowd.
Rule of three. Three pics. Let’s review.
Our first undercard had Ari Chapman (0-1, 132) being overwhelmed by Brendan Woodruf (1-0, 63 )!
Omg. In the seventy-nine battles I’ve picked, this was the wrongest I’ve ever been. Ari seems like a nice lady but oh boy did she no-show. Do you only have to be pretty to be on Playboy radio? Oh you do? Oh. Well, mad props to Brendan. He took care of biz and roasted the fuck out of Ari. I should have known. He’s from the OC and they all hate themselves and therefore make the best roasters. Coach Tea played him up to “Ice, Ice Baby”, proving white people can be stereotyped with music too. He had amazing jokes and did not hold back despite Ari very clearly not being on his level.
BRENDAN ON ARI
“Ari has a lot in common with “The Little Mermaid”. Her name, her red hair, and she reeks of fish from the waste down.”
“Arielle’s the kind of girl who would suck dick for stage time but she still does open mics because she’s too dumb to know that’s an option.”
“You can tell Arielle is Jewish because the profile of her nose looks like the stock market her parents helped crash.”
“Arielle has so many STDs her fire crotch burns hotter than the oven her ancestors died in.”
Fucking A. I’m now convinced Ari humiliated Brendan in high school and he’s been planning vengeance for years. Ari, bless her heart, just didn’t have anything prepared. Maybe she hasn’t seen a roast. She was also barely audible. Speak up, future roasters.
ARI ON BRENDAN
“Maybe someone’s just bitter I haven’t sucked their dick yet?”
“You look like a deflated pool toy that got pumped with cocaine at a party.”
Who., Brendan. She said yet. I have the recording. Anyway, way to win for the white dudes Brendan. It’s about time. Brendan, next time you should roast someone who doesn’t have a Model Mayhem account? At least she made it easy to transcribe the battle. This is just a roast report.
? / ? ? ? is what I score this battle.
The next undercard had Tim Groeschel (1-0, 77) overcoming Will Couch (0-1, 97)!
Curses! The mysterious fire claimed more photos! I snagged this one from Tim’s Facebook of him wearing shorts on stage. I dig fashion shorts but cargos? Nah. I’ll let Mike Lawrence take it from here. He sparked a pretty good pre-battle zing fest.
“I feel like a Civil War reenactment is missing it’s Confederate General.” – Mike Lawrence on Tim
“I like seeing Tim. It’s good to know what my ‘Mike Lawrence’ Halloween costume will look like.” – Keith Carey (5-1, 8) on Tim
“It’s good to know what my oompa loompa costume will look like.” – Tim on Keith
“Keith is definitely the kid who drowns in the chocolate river at the beginning of the movie.” – Mike on Keith
That’s pretty much the best case scenario if you want to banter before the show, future roasters. These guys had great jokes from top to bottom. Even when they messed up a joke or stumbled, the audience gave them the benefit of the doubt.
WILL ON TIM
“I can’t believe how honored I am to be roasting all of ZZ Top fused together.”
“Tim once went nine months without jacking off. You know you’re disgusting when you’re your own rock bottom.”
“Tim auditioned for ‘The Vikings’ but the casting director said ‘too rapey’.”
“I was homeless but that’s fine. Tim looks like he was elected mayor of a tent city.”
These were all very well written jokes. Will stumbled a bit on one particular joke and the last joke set up Tim for a comeback that crushed but I’m still not sure why.
TIM ON WILL
“Will Couch was in the Navy until he was dishonorably discharged. Which is ironic, because that’s what his parents wanted to name him.”
“When Will Couch isn’t trying his hand at comedy, you can find him wearing his mother’s clothes and trying to kill women in an abandoned hotel.”
“Tim’s so white he’s what O’Douls would look like if it had a face.”
“Bitch, you look like you voted for me!”
I want a t-shirt that says “Bitch, you look like you voted for me!” This was a great undercard. It got even better when I realized I picked Tim. It went to a joke-off that was okay and Tim won it by a hair on his disgusting beard.
Oh yeah. ? ? ? / ? ? ?!
The final undercard had Scott Kidd (2-3, 55) redeeming himself against Cody Morley (2-4, 56)!
Give it up for the Wave! They’re doing multiple mini-sketches in the heat of the battle and they’ve got their multi-cultured fingers on the pulse of pop culture. Is that a Fleshlight shirt? Man, they are just dude’s dudes. Haiti should look into proving Booker T is his father and get some of that WWE money. I’m just stalling because this battle was less than stellar. Have these two battled each other before? It was like Déjà boo. They might as well be any Caucasian open mic comic. Scott waited until this battle to actually write jokes and what do you know, he won.
SCOTT ON CODY
“Cody is like Michael J. Fox. Except the only time he shakes is when he’s on stage.”
“Cody smokes a lot of cigarettes and just like his punchlines, he bums them from other comics.”
“Cody, you are so pathetic. I’d choke you out if I didn’t think it’d make you cum.”
There ya go, Scotty! Now all you have to do is stop looking like Sid from “Ice Age” if he had special needs and everything will be ok. Cody got beat up again but it was by his own jokes and Coach Tea.
CODY ON SCOTT
“Scott’s on a sketch show called Bad News. The only bad news is you have to watch sketches with fuckin Scott in them.”
“Scott recently moved out of his car and into an apartment. Which is good because now he can use his car for what he used us it for, abducting children.”
“Most people are named after what they’re ancestors did for a living. The Kidd family gets their name for who they used to have sex with.”
Hey. At least we got a preview of every possible Coach Tea drop for a bad joke. This was a Matt Lewis-ian style choke. Cody did fine in his last battle and is a nice enough dude but this crowd wanted no part of him. Ari owes Cody a handy or something for making her the second worst battler of the night. Remember this is a roast report. I am presumably friends with these people.
? / ? ? ? and the one is because only one battler showed up.
And in the Main Event,
Frank Castillo Omid Singh (6-3, 5) edged out Stuart Thompson (4-2, 7)!
Great win Omid! Look at how happy he is. Haven’t seen him smile like that since his cousin got invited to the White House for making a clock. This was great battle between two great joke writers. It totally didn’t embarrass Moses like last week. A lot of stuff was going on. It was Earl’s birthday. The judges were on fire for the whole battle. A comedian’s sister was discovered and debunked all in the course of twenty-three minutes.
OMID ON STUART
“Stuart is so white he has NPR on vinyl.”
“Stuart has some ups, but he also looks like he has a little bit of downs.”
“Stuart’s act has less punches than a Mayweather fight.”
“Stuart’s so plain I could fly him into the Freedom Tower.”
“If Stuart had a nickel for every time he’s heard that he could his Chinese sister to build him an iPhone.”
For some reason Omid was convinced Stuart had a Chinese sister. I’ve known Stu for years now and never once heard of this sister. But Omid had great jokes about her! He also recovered nicely when Stu revealed Ming-Li Thompson was never real. Stuart had some fire as well.
STUART ON OMID
“Omid’s dad is Indian and his mom’s Persian, which makes him gross.”
“Omid has a problem with gambling, like the time he bet his entire life on a career in comedy.”
“Omid drives a Mercedes, and judging by his beard and clothes, he also lives in a Mercedes.”
“Omid sells rugs with his dad in his spare time. They say that every Persian rug has a mistake in it, and at their shop, it was not aborting Omid.”
“Omid, you’re very hairy and you tell derivative jokes. You couldn’t look more like Robin Williams if there was a noose around your neck.”
This was such a close battle. Nearly every joke from both battlers crushed and there wasn’t a bomb to be found. One of the best parts of the show was the judges. Tony Hinchcliffe and Mike Lawrence left no prisoners.
TONY ON BATTLERS
“I haven’t seen Omid rip someones heart out like that since ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’.”
“This is the best Republican National Debate I’ve ever seen. Bobby Jindal and Rand Paul got a big vote from me.”
“Stuart, you know I love you. It’s nice to see the baby from ‘Family Guy’ all grown up.”
MIKE ON BATTLERS
“I mean that was more of a back and forth than ‘United 93′.”
“It’s like two 7-11 employees and their shift manager.”
“That was awesome, Dhalsim just throwing fire at Ken Masters. Yoga Punchline!”
“Yoga Punchine” could be the video game reference we’ve ever had. Michael Kosta even snuck in the observation of the night.
“First of all, I just wanna say that every comic on the stage is wearing shoes that match the color of the skin on their face.”
Now that’s diversity. ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?! Even though I got it wrong!
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Stuart’s so plain I could fly him into the Freedom Towers.” – Omid Singh
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Omid, I’m so distracted by your face. I’m wondering, and this is gonna sound weird, can I finger your mouth?” – Greg Fitzsimmons
“His parents would have to arrange it first.” – Mike Lawrence
I am 50-33 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.