by Jay Light
This week, the cameras and extra bright lights are gone. We’re back to status quo in the Belly Room. Everything is running as expected until midway through the pre-show, when Moses comes on stage to announce some bad news: Earl won’t be making it tonight. The crowd groans, but they are silenced by a knock at the Belly Room’s back door. The Ultimate Hater, decked out in his finest, strides into the room, and the room erupts.
Just like that, we’re all locked, loaded, and ready to get mean.
The fights begin with a dueling duo of Roast Battle virgins as Andrew Pupa (1-0, Unranked) takes down Stuart Ray (0-1, Unranked)!
Moses brings these two to the stage. Andrew’s poise stands in stark contrast to Stuart’s nervous hunch. Stuart gets a little tongue-tied at first, but finds his footing by the end of the round. However, it’s pretty obvious from the get-go that Andrew will be taking home victory:
“Andrew recently got his new first credit. You can recognize his nose from opening for Ted Cruz.”
“It’s funny that Stuart brings looks into it, since he looks like a bowling ball going through puberty.”
“Andrew ran the Boston Marathon and performs comedy. It’s nice to see that his hobbies end consistently.”
“Stuart gives me shit for being from Boston. I’d be mad too if I looked like every character on Cheers.”
“Andrew grew up poor and Italian, but he should be Jewish because he deserves all the bad shit that’s happened to him.”
“I’m surprised Stuart’s a Trump supporter. I thought Humpty Dumpty hated walls.”
A solid first effort overall. Hopefully these boys make their way back into the ring soon.
The night’s second matchup ramps things up with a slugfest between Sameer Suri (1-1, Unranked) and Richie Gaines (2-0, Unranked)!
After strong debuts, these two come out with swagger as one of the most anticipated fights of the night and begin slinging barbs before the starting bell rings when Moses asks why these two want to battle:
“Darling, he’s been out of prison for a while. It’s about time a faggot made Richie his bitch again.” – Sameer
“This is probably a mistake, he’s so likable…the only person who hates him is God.” – Richie
The crowd hoots and hollers while Orlando jokes go flying across the room like AR-15 ammo. Moses finally kicks off the battle and the boys start swinging:
“Richie’s penis is like Orlando: the fags so much as think of it and we get sick to our stomachs.”
“Sameer gives pretty good handjobs, and even better towel head.”
“Meanwhile, Sex with Richie is like an ISIS beheading: lasts ten seconds, feels like forever.
"Sameer, you look like you worked in a sweatshop where the only thing you didn’t learn how to thread was your eyebrows.”
“Richie’s been to rehab twice. He’s had worse backslides than Anton Yelchin’s car.”
“Sameer’s more of an alt comic, only because right now it’s too dangerous for him to be in clubs.”
“Criticism about my act? This from a man whose act is weaker than my T-cells?”
“Sameer’s type is old rich guys. He’s going for that classic cumrag-to-riches story.”
The fight lives up to its hype, though ultimately Richie wins the audience vote and walks away with a still-untarnished record.
Third up, a battle between an old veteran and a feisty
Jewcomer newcomer: Sina Amedson (4-5, #42) versus Nat Baimel (0-2, Unranked)
“This battle looks like it was started over someone being loud in the library.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
Nat, a strong writer looking for his first win, is thwarted by Sina, who performs as himself for the first time as several months after a string of memorable appearances as the Saudi Prince both at the Haters’ Table and in the Roast Battle ring. Both guys toss out solid jokes:
“You’re sober, but nobody that would fuck you is.”
“Sina’s done every drug except LSD. He doesn’t do acid, he throws it in schoolgirls’ faces.
"Nat’s a Jewish political comic, so he’s conflicted about giving you his two cents.”
“Sina’s so creepy, his hairline took out a restraining order on his face.”
“Nat became a comedian after his dad died of colon cancer, so he could carry on the legacy of putting out awful shit.”
…but ultimately, Sina proves that sometimes, experience flat-out trumps everything. He takes home another win, while Nat doesn’t even win any gelt to nosh on later. But we’ll see Nat again soon.
The final undercard of the night is between BFFs and festivalgoers extraordinaire, Omid Singh (9-4, #5) and Robbie Kirkhuff (3-1, #29)! They enter the ring and immediately draw comparisons to the last two fighters:
“We’re the Charmeleon version of those guys.” – Omid
Specialty undercards like this are generally some of the hottest battles of the night, but tonight, something is off:
“Robbie looks like a pirate who sold his parrot for molly.”
“Omid’s name means hope, which is weird, because I don’t think his parents were hoping for a total failure.
"Robbie voted for Bernie Sanders because he thought he was the guy who started Burning Man.”
“Omid has such an ugly face, he got put on the terror don’t watch list.”
“I may be brown and smelly, but you’re still the bigger piece of shit.”
“The last time Omid saw this many horrified faces, he was holding an AR-15 in Orlando.”
“Robbie can suck his own dick. He’s the first person to get herpes from himself.
On paper, these jokes are alright, but they’re certainly nothing like the bangers we’ve heard from these two before. Moses and the judges openly wonder what the fuck happened:
"All the jokes were kind of shitty…and secondly, I would have rather seen you guys rub facial hair to see if there’s some Velcro action.” – Monique Marvez
They do. No one gets stuck together, though it looks like the crowd may be stuck with a dud.
“Is that what you fuckers wanted?” – Robbie
“No, we wanted good jokes.” – Moshe Kasher
Moses, putting his trust in these battle-tested comics, decides to give them one more shot at redemption with an overtime joke. Robbie tries to land something outside of regulation, but even Josh Meyrowitz is fed up:
“Do the fucking joke!” – Autistic Thunder
“You know it’s bad when the autistic kid turns on you.” – The Ultimate Hater
Moses calms the antsy crowd, and the guys sling their final jokes:
“Robbie smokes a lot of weed. His favorite strain is OG Mooch.”
“When Omid’s comedy career eventually fails, he can always go and work at his dad’s counterfeit magic carpet shop.”
Our fears are realized: we’ve just witnessed a rare double loss.
“Comedy Central just called. We’re canceled. Can we get a meeting with Netflix?” – The Ultimate Hater
Moses shakes their hands, they hug – mostly for moral support – and the room is as bewildered as Omid and Robbie as they wander off into the night. Luckily for everyone, we’ve got a dynamite main event ready to save us all: Dan Nolan (6-3, #8) versus David Deery (1-1-2, #41)!
“Hey, can this stage be near a schoolyard?” – The Ultimate Hater
“This is like the battle of white underprivileged.” – Moses
“Right now this stage looks like two undercover cops about to make an arrest.” – The Ultimate Hater
These guys – both pizza restaurant employees who look older than they really are – don’t mince words, energetically launching into round 1:
“Dan’s never had unprotected sex. He usually has to put the gun in the girl’s mouth just to get laid.
"David works at a pizza place, but that doesn’t explain the thin crust of dried cum in his mustache.
"Dan’s not retarded, but whoever cut his hair is.
"Watch David do stand-up. You’ll never see anyone like him. Literally, not one person there will like him.
"Dan’s like old cum: he’s going to live on a couch forever.
"Dave’s a shitty comic. The only time he gets added to a lineup, its by police during an Amber Alert.”
The judges give David the round, though they definitely want to help both guys out in escaping their pizza-hawking careers:
“I can’t believe you guys both fucking work at pizza places. I want to give you guys work in this town, that’s why right now I’m gonna order two large pepperoni.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
Dan defers to David for round 2. David pops out a few jabs:
“Dan looks like a Nazi that’s too weak to open the oven door.”
“Dan once ate dog food for three dollars. Dog Food is this homeless lady who lives downtown.”
“Dan misses buying heroin so much, he keeps a Skid Row in his underwear.”
But Dan absorbs the punches with grace, ready to double down with his own ferocious trio of jokes:
“David’s a great photographer. Too bad he can’t develop an adult-sized penis.”
“Dave’s Jewish, so his dick is circumcised and undersized.”
“David has a rat face, and legally that’s the closest he can get to Chuck E. Cheese.”
Impressed by his jokes and confidence – particularly the Chuck E. Cheese line – the judges give round two to Dan.
“Everything’s in there: pedophile, rat face, restraining order – all in one sentence.” – Monique Marvez
Though, luckily, this isn’t an episode of Project Runway:
“Dave looks like at least he’s heard of style. You look like you closed your eyes and ran into a Target.” – Moshe Kasher
With a split decision going into the final round, the crowd waits with bated breath to see who’s got the chops to come out on top:
“David looks dirty, but at least his career is washed up.”
“Dan’s teeth are so brown, he tried to melt them in a spoon and shoot them up.”
“David spent years as a comic trying to find his voice, then he just took one from some lady.”
“Dan’s been to jail, so heroin isn’t the only thing black that he’s put inside his asshole.”
“Dave just got booked for a standup gig in Berlin, which makes sense if you’ve seen German porn. They love watching people eat shit.”
“Dan loves comedy clubs, except when he’s beating his girlfriend. Then he loves golf clubs.”
In the end, David winds up with a clean sweep from the judges, earning his first true victory. Dan is no slouch, but Moshe offers up some advice for his future battle career:
“You know how you used to smoke heroin, then you started shooting it because it was a better delivery system? I think you need to work on your delivery system a little bit.” – Moshe Kasher
As Dan and David leave the stage to a chant of “RELAPSE! RELAPSE! RELAPSE!” Roast Battle proves once again why this wildly unpredictable show is consistently LA’s best night out.
We’ll see you next week.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.