With no Boon Shok-A-Lok-A to serenade them, the crowd needs a little more gassing up before the show officially gets started. But anyone who’s seen this shindig once knows that Brian Moses is the only man for the job. He and Autistic Thunder whip the crowd into a frenzy as two out of the night’s three judges – Roast Battle hall-of-
Up first, we have a battle between relative newbie Sarah Lawrence and Roast Battle virgin Tokyo Kuntpunch.
“The clothing designer from The Incredibles looks really good tonight.” – Alex Hooper
Moses asks these two why they want to duke it out. They came prepared:
“I’ve got a little bit of a lez crush on her, I just wanted to see if I could get closer, you know?” – Tokyo
“I’m actually a bit of a safe sex advocate and Tokyo looks like she could give AIDS to herpes.” – Sarah
Tokyo’s line does fine, but Sarah comes out swinging, following in the footsteps of her countrymen and saying “that’s not a joke… THIS is a joke.” Tokyo, unfazed, opts to go first as the battle begins.
“Sarah used to model in Dubai. Of course, she was the only girl showing her face, so that helped.”
“Thank you Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drips. Guys, Tokyo is a prostitute, if you couldn’t fucking tell. She actually got raped by one of her clients, or as the judge called it; shoplifting.”
“Sorry, what were you saying? I was distracted by the coke on your lip.”
“That’s the only foreign thing I put near my face.”
“I know it can’t be
because no one will fuck you. Sarah’s coping with being dropped by her modeling agency by writing jokes about how no one will fuck her. Sadly, this roast is the hardest she’s been fucked in years.” semen,
“Not only is Tokyo a prostitute, but she’s also trying to be a rapper. So she has sex for money, but her music sucks dick for free.”
“You wish guys would pay you to go hunting in your outback.”
“A dingo stole my fucking sex life.”
“Sarah’s ex refers to her
vah-ha- ja-ha as the Great Barrier Reef, because he wasn’t gonna go diving down there. Alsoit’s just as dark and murky.”
“Thank you HPV for Vendetta. Oh you guys, I just figured it out! I figured out why she’s called Tokyo! It’s cuz to find her attractive you have to go like this…” *squints eyes*
Sarah squints her eyes, a bit of physical comedy that blows up the crowd and all but seals her victory. Tokyo had already fallen prey to some diminishing returns during the battle, and just as Moses gets back on stage to throw to the judges, she falls prey to a classic new battler mistake: trying to take a swing after the bell.
“Isn’t modeling the same as hooking, except you get your picture taken after and you make a lot less money?”
The silence says everything. Maybe it would have helped if the attempt was pointed towards Sarah instead of a fairly general observation. Maybe it wouldn’t. Who knows. What I do know is that if you wanna try for an OT joke and nobody asked for it, it’d better be damn good.
The judges weigh in:
“I really liked this battle between Iggy Azalea and Bjork’s abortion.” – Jay Light
“Sarah just had a presence and
she– she kind of owned you.” Alex Hooper
Sarah wins in a walk. As the two ladies leave the stage, the energy shifts, almost as if the crowd collectively realized: “if the opening fight is this fun, what else do we have in store?”
The first main event fighters – Albert Escobedo and Quentin Thomas – take the stage. Moses asks why they wanna battle.
“He’s a great writer. I’ve read all of his suicide notes. They keep gettin’ funnier!” – Albert
“I think Albert just wants to use me as a ladder to get over the wall.” – Quentin
“Wow. This show is racist.” – Moses
“Buckle up, baby!” – Quentin
Quentin opts to go first.
“Albert looks like a possum whose career is playing dead.”
“Quentin works in construction. He got the job because he makes every pussy have a dry wall.”
“Albert’s Mexican and a teacher. It must be hard grading papers when you don’t have any.”
“No surprise, you hate Mexicans. You probably want the wall, you need something else to jump off of.”
The crowd pulls back a little at Albert’s rebuttal. It’s almost like they forgot about the whole suicide bit from the intro to the fight. Nonplussed, Albert soldiers on.
“Alright. Quentin’s ex-girlfriend cheated on him. He’s so tall, his head was in the clouds while her head was sucking his best friend’s dick.”
“You can watch Albert’s hour special on YouTube. You can watch it for free but it’s still a complete waste of money.”
“Quentin changed his last name after multiple suicide attempts. It was the only way to get rid of Quentin Moscaritolo forever.”
“They don’t know who that is, dude.”
“And they never will!”
“It’s me, it’s me.”
“Albert had sex with a transgender person, and boy did it ruin her junior prom.”
“So what, I fucked a hot ladyboy. You’re gonna have to cut a lot deeper than that, dude. We all think you’d have learned your lesson by now. Quentin is so creepy, God made him 6′ 7″ to keep him away from children.”
“Hey, I can still get’ em. Don’t put it past me. Albert’s wife is way hotter than him. So she’s, like, a three.”
“Good one, Napoleon Dyna-Might not be here tomorrow. Quentin looks like he tried to kill himself earlier today, but he couldn’t because his mom was using the knife to cut the crust off his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”
This is what
The battle is close, and the judges come in hot post-match:
“If you decide to kill yourself, come talk to me after the show. I can help you take some people with you.” – Saudi Prince
“Quentin, how dare you talk to your gardener that way. Very rude.” – Alex Hooper
“Albert looks like if you went to Home Depot to pick up an IT guy.” – Jay Light
“That’s Office Depot.” – Moses
Alex gives the edge to Quentin. Jay suggests one more joke, and the crowd loves the idea. The fighters get after it.
“Quentin is from Surf City. He doesn’t hang ten, but he has tried to hang himself ten times.”
“Albert looks like the dick of the tranny he fucked.”
In the end, Quentin takes the win with a joke that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination and cements himself as one of the sport’s best current battlers. But thankfully, this isn’t just a stellar one-off for Albert. He’s back for good. Can’t wait to see him in the ring again.
Our second main event of the night starts just in time for the final judge, Tony Hinchcliffe, to take his seat on the panel. It’s all happening just in time for Ryan Nesen and Lou Misiano to have judgment passed down on them.
Ryan get on stage first, ready to rumble:
“He called me out, then he threatened me, said he was going to take away my winning streak… so I wanna show him, man, like his hookers, I’m not gonna get beat tonight.” – Ryan
“They’re called escorts.” – Moses
“Not the ones he gets.” – Ryan
Moses brings Lou out and compliments him on yet another brand new suit, only for Lou to hand Moses a wrinkled dollar bill.
“It’s the blue Maserati. Pull it around front.” – Lou
The room erupts. Lou cements himself firmly in villain territory.
“I’ve been looking forward to this. I always wanted to battle a fatter, uglier, wife-beating version of myself.” – Lou
With all the unpleasantries out of the way, we finally get into the battle. Lou nonchalantly demands to go first.
“Ryan and I look kinda similar. Like, I’m the Tinder picture, and he’s what actually shows up.”
“Thank you, Dick Jonas. Lou’s a massive cokehead, obviously. Last week he found a bump on his dick and tried snorting it.”
“It was a bump, I just wish it was a whole line. Ryan has a black belt in krav maga and a brown belt he hits his girlfriend with.”
“She can take a punch! Lou, you handsome dummy. You remind me of JFK – you look great in a suit, but not a lot of brains in your head.”
Lou reacts to this by throwing the Juul he was using behind his back, pulling another Juul out of his jacket pocket, and inhaling again.
“There you go, Lou. You’re used to suck it on stage. Keep it up.”
The crowd, already laughing a lot at Lou’s heel antics, explodes at Ryan’s line.
“It’s the only time he’s ever been interesting, so let him have this. Ryan has the attitude of a bored stripper, the body of a fat toddler, and the face of someone who has fucked both those people.”
“I’ll be honest, that was a tough pill to swallow. Which is the last thing Lou’s sister said before she ODed on Oxy. Lou is literally every girl’s dream. He’ll enter you when you’re asleep, and when you wake up, you’re not quite sure what happened.”
“Ryan doesn’t need to roofie anyone, cuz as soon as he fucks them, they forget him immediately. Ryan, I have never met anybody who is so funny and so forgettable at the same time. Your comedy is like the plane that crashed in the field on 9/11 – we should all care, but no one gives a shit.”
“Lou has had two family members overdose by sticking a needle in their arm. Somehow he’s still the most unforgettable prick in the family.”
“Ryan looks like future me sent back in time to tell me to stop drinking.”
“Take the warning! I used to look like you! Lou loves younger girls. He’s smashed more underage pussy than a seesaw on a playground.”
It’s a fucking phenomenal battle, with almost every single joke landing. The audience is laughing so hard in between volleys there’s barely time for them to breathe.
“It was like watching a mannequin at a department store be dressed by the guy who works there.” – Saudi Prince
The straight white guy panel begins their commentary.
“It was great to watch this undercard at the Democratic Debates… so let me get this right, [Lou]’s the cokehead and [Ryan]’s face is melting?” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“You guys both look like you have to get out of here to keep erasing Jeffrey Epstein footage.” – Jay Light
“Everyone in this audience has been #MeToo’d because these guys just fucked you all over the place” – Alex Hooper
It’s a split decision, but Lou wins by a 2-1 margin and indeed snaps Ryan’s winning streak.
And now, the reason we all came tonight: the title match. Current champ Alex Duong versus the challenger, Brett Erickson. Three rounds of fury in the old-school style. Alex opts to go first. Everyone is locked in.
“Brett, you look like the only motivational speaker for janitors.”
“Alex is such a douche, he gets his nails done professionally. At Thanksgiving.”
“Why do you deliver all your jokes like your uncle still has his finger in you?”
“Dude, you look like the kind of guy who wears his AirPods while fucking.”
“Thank you, Simon if he ate Garfunkel. If you look at Brett, you can tell he’s the type of guy that won’t eat pussy until he has his reading glasses on.”
“You do wanna see what you’re working with.”
“You don’t have to riff on all my jokes. I’m not your kids you only see around the holidays.”
“My kids are in their 20s. They’re grown up, they can do whatever the fuck they want. Alex actually lost his virginity at a very young age. He was only 13 when that old German guy paid to fuck him.”
It’s a bit of a soft start, but they’re clearly just getting warmed up. Three round fights are a different animal – they require more strategy and different joke placement than most Roast Battle crowds are used to these days. The judges give Brett the edge, and we move into round two. Alex opts to defer to Brett.
“I actually feel bad making fun of Alex. He’s a really good guy. He’s a really good friend. He’ll go to the mat for ya. In fact, he’ll smash his face into the mat for ya. I mean, look at that thing. He comes by it honestly. His dad was Chinese, and his mom was as cast iron skillet.”
“Alex, you have the hair of Elvis Presley, and the lips of everyone whose music he stole.”
“And look at that forehead! I’m not saying Alex has a big forehead, but right now his ancestors are building a railroad across it.”
“Brett’s an atheist, and I get it. His ex-wife left him for the church and he looks like he wants to shoot one up.”
“Brett, it’s fitting that your girlfriend is a lot younger than you. Your outfit says bank robber, but your face says cradle robber.”
“You have the charisma of Mr. Rogers if he was court-ordered to meet his neighbors.”
The judges give Alex the edge this time, cementing
“Alex struggles with social media. He thought he signed up for TikTok but it turned out he just texted his cousin.”
“Brett, your eyes are a lot like your comedy career: stuck in the open position and can’t close without a lot of stretching.”
“You have really nice teeth, you know that? It’s because your wife is a dental hygenist, right? Should have married a comedian. Alex, you look like you beat off to vaping videos.”
“Brett’s a conspiracy theorist. It makes sense, because that mole on his face keeps screaming at me in Russian.”
“Alex’s wife doesn’t use lube when they fuck. It’s because she doesn’t wanna go down on a slippery slope.”
“Brett, I’m Asian, but why do you look like Captain America if he was outsourced? Brett, you look like you would stop a guy from fucking your wife to ask ‘who books that?'”
Brett’s jokes all land, while Alex’s all faceplant. Something was just off in this final round and all the confidence in the world unfortunately couldn’t save him.
“I feel like your kids would be more proud to know that you won, Brett. I love you, Awkwafina.” – Alex Hooper
“I hope you got the belt dry-cleaned in time, Alex.” – Jay Light
“This was awesome. This was revenge for the Vietnam War.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
The judges unanimously – and unsurprisingly – give it to Brett. The Belly Room officially has a new champion. Who’s gonna try and take him down next?