The Belly Room is empty – by Roast Battle standards, anyway – while practically every comic in the building watches Jerry Seinfeld downstairs. He hasn’t set foot in the Store since 1979. As far as living legends go, he’s a rare find around these parts. Meanwhile, the ever-building legend of Roast Battle continues without a hitch. As Moses takes the stage, he asks House Hater Earl Skakel what he thinks of the couple behind him: a white guy on a date with a black girl. Earl turns to the guy.
“You don’t know any martial arts or anything, do you? I think it’s disgusting.” – Earl
We’re off to the races, folks.
The first battlers of the night, Manny Ortiz and Isaac “Flaco” Martinez, didn’t look like much. Moses and judge Mike Lawrence, dropping in to the proceedings early, labeled them as mild-mannered and meek. Yet, their jokes were anything but shy:
“It’s a good thing I’m going first. Manny’s jokes are so bad, Carlos Mencia wouldn’t steal them.”
“The thing I love most about Isaac is that he’s a hardworking Mexican. In fact, after this, he has an appointment downstairs for an interview with the kitchen staff.”
“Manny’s here because he wants to get passed by the Comedy Store, but he’s so Mexican, he should be worried about getting passed by immigration.”
“Isaac actually has 20/20 vision. The only reason for his glasses is so he can see his penis when he takes a piss.”
“Manny was on the TV show Catfish. Not on MTV. On the Animal Planet, where people look like catfish.”
The crowd erupts. Manny, who seconds ago looked like he was about to win, tries to fire off his final joke, but it turns into a rambling monologue that Earl decries as “not long enough.” Flaco capitalizes:
“Manny looks like Manny from the Pep Boys, if Manny ate the other two Pep Boys.”
The crowd goes wild once more, and Flaco takes his first Roast Battle victory.
“That battle was brought to us by Google Translate.” – Mike Lawrence
As the second undercard of the night waits in the wings, judge Joe DeRosa takes his seat.
“I just was watching Jerry Seinfeld downstairs. First set at the Store since 1979. So just think about how important that sounds compared to what’s going on up here.” – Joe DeRosa
“You missed a Mexican boy living out his dying wish!” – Mike Lawrence
Moses, laughing, brings up the second set of battlers: Jesse Villacis and Brian Biancardi.
“This is Alt Mile.” – Moses
These two Roast Battle virgins take the alt comedy energy they’ve become locally known for to bring us as eccentric of a battle as we’ve ever seen:
“Yo, everybody, check this out. One time, Jesse got in a motorcycle accident and it made him smarter.”
“Look at this Italian piece of shit. Look how lanky he is. I wanna rip one of his arms off and use it to steer a gondola!”
“Yo, check this out. Jesse’s got 12 brothers and sisters. And he’s also their dad.”
“Brian looks like a shitty Luigi.”
“Yo, everybody, check this out. If I had to pick, I’d marry Kenny Lion, I’d marry Jesse, then I’d kill myself.”
Jesse makes a joke about fucking Brian’s mom being like going in an underground level in Mario Bros. Coach Tea plays the level’s theme song. The crowd goes apeshit. The Wave comes out, ready to play. Haiti tells Brian “he got yo ass!”
“Yo, he might’ve got my ass, but check this out. You can’t tell under that flannel but Jesse works out a ton, ‘cause he’s trying to fuck me!”
“Hey, Brian raped my mom, which sucks because I have all his worst features.”
The judges aren’t happy, exactly, and wish that the boys brought more fire:
“At its worst it was an okay roast battle, at its worst it was a podcast I’d never listen to.” – Mike Lawrence
“Too much rape and pussy.” – Joe DeRosa
When Moses throws to the audience for a vote, he doesn’t get a definitive answer, so we go to the joke-off:
“If Brian committed a crime, and I told a sketch artist, and I’d have to describe what he looked like, I’d say ‘American bald eagle.’ And he looks like a piece of shit. And a gay faggot…that got raped, and was pussy-ed.”
“Yo, everybody, check this out. One time, me and Jesse were dating the same girl at the same time. And we both fucked up with her. So we said ‘fuck it’ and we fucked each other.”
This time, the crowd has a definitive answer. Coach Tea plays the Super Mario Bros. victory music as Brian’s hand is raised in victory. Check that out!
We’re ready now for the final undercard: newbie Valerie Tosi versus Roast Report and Hella Show sponsor Josh Waldron.
Valerie looks battle-ready and edgy. Josh?
“Josh, you look like a goth that works at Farrell’s Ice Creamery.” – Hater Connor
“Josh, how much time did they give you off from the Oyster Bar?” – Joe DeRosa
“Josh, nothing you’ve ever done has justified the confidence you have in that outfit.” – Mike Lawrence
“Can I get a root beer float?” – Jeff Ross
“He looks like if Jeff Dunham had designed a hipster puppet.” – Mike Lawrence
“Question for Josh: which way is the monorail?” – Jeff Ross
“He looks like if Red Hot Chili Peppers did magic.” – Jade Catta-Preta
“Can I just say congratulations on distracting everyone from the fact that you have no personality?” – Hater Connor McSpadden
Josh, having been sufficiently run through the wringer by the judges, decided to prove his worth in the ring by swinging first:
“Valerie calls herself a comedy mermaid, which makes sense ’cause her face is pretty, but her bottom half smells like fish.”
“Josh dresses like the men he wishes would hit on him.”
“Valerie can make fun of how I look all she wants, she’s just jealous I’m her goal weight.”
“Josh, I can’t decide which turns women off more: your Harry Potter wallet or the fact that there’s never any money in it.”
“Valerie is such a fire crotch, right now, her and her crabs are getting roasted.”
“Josh, what are you wearing? You look like a throwback to Dick Van Dyke. Except you’re just a dick who looks like a dyke.”
“Valerie was in a viral video with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. After the gangbang, they also filmed a sketch.”
“Josh, the only type of viral you know doesn’t have a cure.”
The battle is fierce, and not just because of Josh’s haircut. The judges and haters are initially a little split:
“This was like the season finale of Bad Girls Club.” – Jeff Ross
“I think metrosexual Dr. Who pulled it out.” – Connor McSpadden
…but, in the end, Valerie pulled out the victory. Happy International Women’s Day.
After a round of Pat Regan playing guitar and yelling at the crowd, we arrive at the hotly anticipated main event: Omid Singh versus Kim Congdon.
“This is like the hooker vs. the hookah.” – Jeff Ross
“This looks like a 7-11 transaction.” – Hater Earl
“This is the first time he’s been in a room with a woman who still has her clitoris.” – Mike Lawrence
Omid, a hardened veteran and Roast Battle favorite, came ready to play:
“I just wanted to shit on Kim and it not be her dad or her boyfriend for once.” – Omid Singh
But so does Queen Cong, who only has this to say when Moses asked why she was battling Omid:
“Because I figured it’d be easy.” – Kim Congdon
Moses riles up the crowd, explains the rules, then kicks off round one:
“Kim’s pussy is so beat up, Joe Rogan did a post-fight interview with it.”
“Omid brought that up because I opened for Rogan. But he should open some Rogaine.”
“Kim is Puerto Rican, Irish, American, and not good at standup.”
“I’m surprised Omid asked me to battle. Usually when he has beef, he just prays to it.”
“Kim put her tits for sale on t-shirts. She wanted to put her vagina on shirts, but they don’t make t-shirts that big, starchy, or smelly.”
“Its true, you can find my tits on a t-shirt. Or you can see Omid’s tits through his t-shirt any time he swims.”
Omid wins handily, sweeping the judges despite them all liking Kim as well. The stage is set for her to come back in round two, which she elects to start instead of deferring:
“Omid’s last name translates to ‘lion’, which is exactly what he’s doing when he tells people he’s a comic.”
“Omid loves taking mushrooms, ’cause he can grow them out of the terrible shit that comes out of his mouth.”
“Omid is part Saudi, which is exactly what he tells women after he fucks them.”
“I’ll never forget the first time I saw Omid kill. On a scale from one to ten, it was 9/11.”
“Kim’s skin is like coffee, but her mouth is shaped for teabagging.”
“Kim was 22 when she moved to LA, and she’ll be 40 when she realizes it was a mistake.”
“Kim’s only doing comedy ’til her dad comes back from the store.”
“She’s working on a movie right now called O Father Where Art Thou?”
Omid falters at the end…
“Omid, you started strong, but then you had a couple bombs, which I know in your country isn’t a big deal.” – Joe DeRosa
…and Kim takes the round, with Jeff Ross calling out her 9/11 joke as the best of the round. The third round we all knew was coming is upon us. The crowd cheers for blood. Jeff Ross tells Kim to start things off.
“Omid’s been single so long, the last time someone touched him, she was swiping left on Tinder.”
“Kim’s got the total East Coast package. A body from Florida, and a face from the Bronx Zoo.”
“Omid looks like he farts when he cums.”
“You know I don’t!”
The crowd goes nuts, and so does the All Negro Wave. Silly String is sprayed and water bottles are emptied on the stage. It’s a slaughter as Omid continues with his prepared material:
“Kim works really hard in Hollywood. She already has her foot in the door when she’s screaming ‘housekeeping!’”
“Omid treats his girlfriends great because, well, look at him.”
“Having sex with Kim is like an open mic. There’s a bucket, and you might not get up.”
“It’s true. I do fuck. The only reason I started having sex was to avoid being one of his 72 virgins.”
“Kim’s not overweight. She’s overrated.”
Just like that, we finally have a kickass main event again. The judges certainly have their work cut out for them, but in the end…
“Kim, a lot of women have a butter face. You have a butter act.” – Jeff Ross
“Kim, apparently you can’t do a battle here without someone getting brutally murdered.” – Mike Lawrence
…Omid takes the final round and the overall win.
The Belly Room empties once more while I try and figure out the best way to get ground-up marshmallow out of the carpet.
guest post by Jay Light