by Pat Barker

For many comics, preparing for a battle requires a
mental transformation of sorts. They have to go to the deepest, darkest
recessed of their mind to come up with terrible things they would never dream
of saying off stage. Connor McSpadden is not one of those comics. Some people
are put on Earth for very specific purposes, and I believe Connor is one of
those people. He’s been put here to roast the shit out of everyone at all
times. It doesn’t end when he gets off stage; he roasts in the parking lot, at
the diner until three in the morning on Tuesday nights, and probably in his
sleep after that. He’s like the Mozart or Bobby Fischer of being a dick to
people. That skillset has earned him some of the most impressive wins in Roast Battle
history, a battle compilation video with over 60,000 views, and one of the best
comedy podcasts out today, the Mean Boys Podcast. Tomorrow night McSpadden
steps back in the ring to battle Kim Congdon in the main event. Before that, he
took some time out to answer some questions for VerbalViolence.TV.

Why do you
battle?

I spent much of my
life being very insecure. With roasting (even conversationally amongst friends)
I find that when someone voices the thing you’re most afraid of people noticing
it’s such a relief and there’s a cathartic laugh. It’s celebration of flaws.

What is your
favorite battle that you’ve ever been a part of?

Sitting at the Hater’s
Table talking shit to Dave Chappelle with Keith Carey. Dave Chappelle was the
shit when I was growing up (still is) and it was the first time I ever felt
unable to deny I was maybe kinda doing something with my stupid life.

What is the
greatest joke anyone has used against you?

“I lost a lot of
friends to heroin, Connor lost a lot of friends when his parents got rid of the
trampoline.” Absolutely perfect and it uses parallelism which is something I
personally love in joke writing structure.

What is the most
underappreciated joke you’ve ever told? One that didn’t work nearly as well as
you expected.

When Keith Carey and I
told Dave Chappelle to go back to Africa there was 1,000% too few parades being
thrown in our honor.

Should anything
be off-limits in the Roast Battle?

I always ask the
person I’m battling if they would rather I not bring up certain things and I
always respect that. Other than that one thing should be off limits – being
unfunny.

Who are your
favorite people to watch on nights where you’re not battling?

Mike Lawrence is
astonishingly quick and creative as a judge, Earl Skakel is frequently the
funniest person in a room full of the top comedians in the world and Joe Dosch
battles with an avant garde eye for summing people up that makes Picasso look
like Bob Ross.

What was your
favorite Wave moment?

Rubbing Keith Carey
with butter as a part of the Mean Boys™ Wave and smelling like a satanic
Thanksgiving dinner for 3 days. Or the first time Jamar did a backflip that one
time I battled in the Main Room and people ooh’d and ahh’d like he was trying
to score top bid at a slave auction.

You decide to
retire, but not before doing three more battles. Who are the opponents?

I will be rematching
Keith Carey at some point if only to get him to stop being a fat cunt about
beating me at Norm’s. I’ve known Olivia Grace since she was just a pear shaped
degenerate that made everyone at coffee shops in Orange County debate
internally about calling child protective services. We know each other real
well and it would be so fun to write for, turn 21 already bitch! I would love
to battle Tony Hinchcliffe because he’s the Pokémon gym leader of evil white
guy types.

If you could
witness a Roast Battle between any two comics ever, who would you pick?

Louis CK vs. Garfunkel
and Oats

Describe the
process of preparing for battle.

I make a big list of
words I want to use and then I start mashing ‘em together. Ex: Girth, AIDs,
Battery Acid etc.. I try to just get all my ingredients out on the counter so I
can go all Chopped on their feelings. I try and write 5 jokes a day minimum
leading up to the fight because I think each time you approach the page you
have new shit knocking around in your head. I run the jokes by my chiefs of
staff every time I have a fresh batch and they give me notes. Keith Carey, Joe
Dosch and Omid Singh get a lot of anxious phone calls. Psychologically I just
have to remind myself to have fun and be in the moment. Battle is a lot like
sex, if you get too in your head you get soft and then famous people start
mocking you in front of your friends. I also have to remember to smile so I
look like I’m at a comedy show not reading my manifesto. Oh! And I always make
sure to subscribe to the Mean Boys Podcast™, it keeps the brain sharp and the
heart black!

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