The energy in the crowd is electric from the get-go this Tuesday night, probably due to the loud Bostonians dispersed throughout the crowd, or maybe we all just really needed to laugh this week. Either way, tonight was right for a fight night and it started off with newcomers King Hassan and Kelsey Lane making a great showing in their debut battles, taking wins over Raul Reyes and Darrin Chase. In the third undercard of the night, Kal Hamilton defeated Andrew Ryan Fox. For the most part, the jokes didn’t land, however, before we move on I’d last to give an honorable mention to one of the most hilarious things I’ve personally heard in the Belly Room:
“Andrew looks like he eats pussy with his ass in the air.”
The visual does not stop haunting my brain and it’s glorious.
“I just realized I’ve been eating pussy wrong this whole time” – Frank Castillo
Moses announces that the bad battles are over and it’s time to get to some seasoned veterans.He brings Katrina Davis to the stage who was challenged by Zahra Ali.
“I’m really excited about it. Her eyes are as big as her heart and her hips are as slim as her chances of making it.”
Moses reveals that Zahra received some racist text messages before her last battle and then asks, why battle Katrina?
“Up until now I’ve only roasted annoying white guys and this time I wanted to change it up and roast an annoying white girl.”
“Hey hey hey, you keep up that annoying white guy shit I’m gonna text you again after this.” – Brody Stevens
“Zahra’s sort of like the Quran, flat and super judgmental about everything.”
“Katrina, you have such a horse face. I don’t know whether to roast you or feed you a carrot.”
“That was a pretty good one, Mindy Failing. Zahra is always standing up for other minorities. She protested against the Muslim ban at LAX and she’s taken more knees for black guys than the whole NFL.”
“A lot of guys are scared to sleep with Katrina because her bush is bigger than her afro.”
“Zhara’s dad left the base of the twin towers minutes before they were hit on 9/11, so she’s definitely a comic to watch… list.”
“Whatever, Erykah Ba-don’t. Katrina gets her reparations by sitting on the faces of white hipsters.”
The judges claim the battle is close and give a slight edge to Katrina, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it wasn’t close at all. While a formidable opponent with a brilliant Erykah Ba-don’t line, Zhara was beaten three-for-three in this one. Katrina took the crowd by the balls from the very beginning and didn’t let go in what may have been her best battle yet.
In the final undercard, Leah Kayajanian is brought to the stage, while Coach Tea plays a Foo Fighters intro per usual and she gives a simple answer to Moses’s inquiry as to why she’s battling Movses Shakarian.
Movses takes the stage to George Michaels’s “Freedom” (because he’s gay, get it?) and says he’s battling Leah because trans-lives matter.
“This looks like the Uber cell phone line at LAX.” – Brody Stevens
Leah steps up to take the bullet.
“Movses is Armenian and gay, or to his family, dead.”
“Leah, your nose is longer than your last relationship and has more hooks than a Jay-Z album.”
This joke earns a Tom Petty tribute from the Wave as Jeremiah lip sync’s to “Free Fallin’” and strums a guitar earning both cheers and jeers from the audience.
“Movses spells his name M-O-V-S-E-S. It has an unexpected V in the middle of it, just like his crotch.”
“Leah started standup in Oklahoma City, where she bombed worse than Timothy McVeigh… That’s the Unabomber you young kids!”
After the joke doesn’t quite hit, there’s some argument whether this is accurate. For the record, Timothy McVeigh was a domestic terrorist who bombed a federal building in Oklahoma City and the Unabomber is Ted Kaczynski. Moving on…
“Movses performs comedy for Armenian audiences. Haven’t our people been through enough?”
“You look so much like a guy, I almost wanna fuck you right now. After seeing her standup, Leah’s grandmother unfriended her on Facebook because the poor woman can only survive one Armenian genocide.”
This was only Movses’s third battle and he held his own against the former champion. His first joke sent the crowd into a frenzy, but in the end Leah had the experience, the jokes, and the best arms I’ve ever seen. The judges unanimously give the battle to Leah and it’s on to the main events.
After a bit of confusion over which battle is next, Heather Marulli takes the stage revealing that this battle is a new coping mechanism for her.
“My therapist said I have to stop fucking addicts, so I figure I can still fuck one verbally.”
Dan Nolan, her opponent and aforementioned addict steps into the arena with an obnoxious confidence that has been earned over 20 battles on the belly room stage. Nolan has battled the best battlers in the ring. He’s crushed and he’s been crushed. Ditching all qualms about record, reputation, or anything else, he gets in the ring, works hard, and makes sure there’s a show every time. Dan is at home on the Belly Room stage and tonight it showed right out of the gate.
Marulli, an experienced, established, and confident battler herself, doesn’t let this faze her and volunteers to take the first shot.
“Dan looks like he would have to catch his breath while raping you.”
“Heather was in an abusive relationship with a guy ands stayed in it for years because he kept saying he was gonna give her a knuckle sandwich.”
“Dan’s favorite movies are the ones he watches through holes in motel room walls.”
“I’d actually like to take a second to compliment Heather on her standup… but I can’t because it is not good.”
“Dan has tried to have sex with me so many times, I can’t count… and neither can he cuz he’s fucking retarded.”
“I’m not gonna lie I have tried to bang Heather before. I don’t care, I’ll fuck anything that moooooo’s.”
“It’s true because Dan looks like he wants to Make America Rape Again.”
“Heather’s actually a pretty good comic if you need someone to open… a jar of pickles.”
“Dan keeps a list of women he sleeps with. Sounds stupid, but in AA you’re supposed to keep a list of people you need to apologize to.”
“Heather makes all the guys she fucks wear flavored condoms. They’re ribs for her pleasure.”
Heather was great and to see her grow each time she hits the Roast Battle stage is truly amazing to see. Her writing, presence, and willingness to laugh at herself have all taken form to make a sensational roaster. Any other night, Marulli’s hand may have been raised in victory, but tonight was Dan Nolan’s night. After a year of losses, he left no room for error. This is what two years of writing roast jokes so often it’s probably borderline autistic looks like. He was fucking fantastic, but once again, still a dumb bitch-ass junkie piece of shit.
Hoping to keep the momentum going from a battle that rocked the room, Galina Rivina and wheelchair warrior Joe Eurell gear up to face off.
Joe admits he’s battling Galina to keep up with the latest fads.
“By the looks of Charlottesville, roasting Jews is coming back.”
The judges pick Joe to win in order to avoid Hell, but Galina reminds them,
“Even if I hurt Joe’s feelings it will only be from the neck up.”
Moshe Kasher chooses Galina to go first and the battle commences.
“Joe’s got a tattoo of a four-leaf clover. That’s one leaf for each limb that doesn’t work.”
“Galina does so much cocaine, she gets her period out of her nose.”
“Joe has a comedy album called Human Luggage. It’s 60 minutes of him struggling with a zipper.”
“Galina shit her pants at a job interview. It’s cool though, she did it to cover the smell of her cunt.”
“Joe’s an excellent painter. His favorite medium is drool.”
“Thank you, Polly Pocket Pussy.”
“You’re welcome, Cain and Disabled.”
“Galina’s pussy is like a Russian nesting doll, you wouldn’t think something so small could be so hollowed out.”
“Speaking of bodies, Joe’s got the arms of a T-Rex and the DNA of something that should be extinct.”
“My DNA is irrelevant because I was adopted. Galina’s parents divorced twice because they couldn’t agree on aborting her once.”
“You guys, Joe shared some of his poetry with me, so I also wrote him a poem. Roses are red. Violet’s are blue. Joe’s great at roasting, but he’s still retarded.”
“Galina’s comedy is like the 2016 election interference. Everyone is sick of hearing about it, and it started with a Russian hack.”
After both battler’s last two jokes don’t quite get the reaction they were hoping for after an otherwise stellar battle, Moses gives them one more joke apiece.
“Joe, I haven’t seen biceps like that since I got an abortion.”
“Galina is like the Lamborghinis she sells, overpriced euro-trash filled by middle-aged men.”
Joe’s final joke got a decent reaction and without the extra joke, he may have taken the W, but there’s no beating a good ol’ aborted fetus joke. Galina has had some rough patches in the recent past, but tonight she was on her game and was able to edge out a beloved battler in the final match of a packed, incredible night of battles.
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