Roast Battle returns tonight in the face of the untimely passing of our friend, Ralphie May. Ralphie played a huge part in season one, helping to launch the show, and has had a number of turns at the judges’ dais as well as in the ring dating back to the early Wild West days of the show. He was a fierce and fearless roaster and his contributions won’t be forgotten. Tonight we do what we do best is the face of tragedy, and laugh. We’ve got a lineup of five solid fights and three judges ready to rock the room.
Jessimae Peluso joins us by way of MTV’s Girl Code as well as a long list of late-night TV bona fides. Justine Marino comes in with solid credentials as a competitor on Roast Battle’s Denver regionals this past season, and rounding things out is Chris Porter from Last Comic Standing as well as his own hour special on Hulu.
First up in the unders, Rob Louis returns from a long absence to take on Roy Ellison.
I know exactly two things about Rob Louis: 1) He was current Belly Room champion Pat Barker’s first opponent, and 2) I don’t think I’ve ever met him but we were friends on Facebook until I had to let him go because he posts about thirty statuses a day to share his dreams of “making it” and struggles with various “haters” along the way, replete with all sorts of absurd and nauseating hashtags. Roy Ellison had a somewhat-wonky debut just a few weeks back against Mia Mars which he lost in a close decision, but should nevertheless have a solid shot at a first win tonight against the historically ill-equipped Rob Louis. Unless Rob’s actually great and I’m just being a hater.
Next up, we’ve got a double virgin sacrifice between Richard Chassler and Claude Stewart.
This is hard to preview without using the same vague aphorisms about what a newcomer battle is like. They’re usually mediocre. This one will probably be mediocre too. I hope it’s good, I’m sure these two guys I don’t know hope it’s good, but – historically speaking – probably mediocre. Which is so much worse than just bad or good…
Following that is a return from recently-hobbled heavyweight-hopeful, David Lucas against Eric Abbenante.
After a solid run as the most feared newcomer in Roast Battle, David Lucas took some tough, tough losses from Alfred Konuwa and Jacob Trimmer back to back. His off-the-cuff style ultimately proved no match against well-prepared vets and tonight he looks to recapture that glory against the 4-6 Eric Abbenante. Eric, on a three-loss streak himself, should come well-equipped with enough black and fat jokes to hold his own. Abbenante’s most notable wins being against Lonnie Johnson and Brandon Brickz, this should be familiar territory for him. Eric’s arguably got the edge in regulation, but should he make a single mistake, David has the chops to capitalize with devastating consequences.
Closing out the undercards, Roast Reporting pioneer Josh Waldron is back to take on Movses Shakarian.
Movses returns after battling only a week ago wherein he put up a remarkably strong showing against former Belly Room champ Leah Kayajanian. Josh has a long history with the show and a lot of love despite a considerable absence for most of the past two years. He started this very Roast Report before a bloody coup was staged and he was cast out to live the life of a pauper. Instead of that he just ended up doing really good on America’s Got Talent and has returned intermittently for a few undercards to maintain a profile. This particular return has a rather conspicuous “they’re probably gonna be casting for season 3 about now, right?” stink to it, but whatever. I love Josh. We’re gay together. Shhhhhhh.
Finally in our main event we’ll see a battle of the big-lipped brawlers with Jay Light facing off against Jeanne Whitney.
Jeanne Whitney is coming in off a solid streak that included a one round win against the mighty Doug Fager. Jay is on a win streak of his own, most recently with a single-round decimation of former hopeful Kevin McNamara. Main events have of late had a tougher time holding the room’s energy as the night drags on with overpacked fight cards. Luckily for these two, Jay books the show and tonight is his night, so there are somehow miraculously 2-3 fewer fights than we’ve averaged over the past year (we know what you did, you selfish son of a bitch!). Either way, it’s a solid matchup to cap off a strong night of undercards, and we should be in for a real treat. Let’s roast!
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