We had a stacked VIP section Tuesday with Keith Carey, Chris Franjola, Jessimae Peluso, Mike Lawrence and Jeff Ross. After Boon-shaka-laka shakes his groove thing, the crowd is ready for the carnage.
First up are virgin battlers Elise Golgowski vs. Radostin Zahariev. Moses asks Elise how she knows Radostin to which she responds, “Oh, he used to sell me cocaine, but now we’re friends.” The honesty behind the words earns her the first laugh of the night. Radostin joins her on stage looking like “A used cologne salesman” (Keith Carey showing us why he’s one of the best). Elise wants to start us out.
“Radostin, your name sounds like a hotel, but your face looks like a motel.”
“Elise is always depressed because it’s hard to keep a stiff upper lip when you don’t have one.”
“I’ve known Rad for umm…2 years now, but I finally met his girlfriend last month at a party, cause he forgot to lock his basement.”
“Elise used to drive around in a van painted as a shark because really, what represents her better than a dead-eye monster that smells like fish.”
“People think rad and I are sleeping together so I just want to set the record straight… I tell jokes, I don’t fuck them.”
“Fucking Elise is a lot like watching Anime because black dudes hate to admit they like it.”
Radostin gets the first big hit with the “stiff upper lip joke”, the shark joke had potential but it was a little awkwardly worded, it still earned a decent pop, but Elise’s final joke earned the biggest laugh of the night. Her other jokes didn’t really hit at all, but sometimes all it takes is one banger to see the deal. Elise takes her first Roast Battle win.
Next up we have Alex Weber making his roast battle debut and Austin Nasso returning. The men come to stage and Keith immediately pounces, “You both look like the uglier version of the other.” We learn that Alex is not a comic, just a fan and a good sport. The men used to be roommates, and according to Austin, Alex was very “passive aggressive” and Austin wants revenge. He volunteers to go first.
“Alex, you poster boy for mental illness, you looked like you stopped being an incel only because started fucking kids.”
“Look at you standing there with your chest out like you just read your first self-help book. You look like the kinda guy who’d be really upset if a girl didn’t follow you back on Instagram, and you wouldn’t get that she was upset cause you followed her back to her house.”
“Alex, you more autistic Patrick Bateman, you’re so good at voice acting because the voices are already inside your head.”
“Austin, you Eli Manning if he was in a car wreck and never really recovered. Your comedy is like Frankenstein’s monster: stiff, lifeless and stitched together from reused bits.”
“Alex, you step son in every porn video, you look like church shooter Dillan Roof if the only thing he killed was conversation and the only thing he shoots up is heroine.”
“You guys might not know this but Austin is a standup comedian.”
Austin’s first joke bombed, to which he showed genuine surprise saying, “whoa.” I can see where he thought there was potential, but it was a pretty basic joke, and the “you poster boy for mental illness” was not clever nor a joke and sucked out any possible momentum. Keep it simple people, less is more when you’re roasting. He continued this failed strategy throughout the battle and was unable to earn a solid laugh. His last joke could have been good if he’d stopped after “the only thing he killed was conversation”, and Austin knew that, he delivered the last bit as a throwaway instead of just stopping after the pop, hopefully next time Austin will trust his gut. Alex had solid jokes throughout, his last one hitting the hardest, it clearly wasn’t the entire joke, but he knew he couldn’t top the uproarious laughter his short jab earned him. In what Jeff dubs the “battle of the babysitters” Alex takes the win.
Next up we have Joe McAvoy vs Danny Archila. Danny runs on stage like a child chasing an ice cream truck, and Joe joins him looking like the guy driving the truck to lure little boys in. Danny says he agreed to battle because, “[Joe] said if I battled him he’d get me a job at Macy’s.” It’s a weird start to an even weirder battle.
“Joe McAvoy you’re such a creepfest you make R. Kelly look like Oprah Winfrey.”
“Danny doesn’t have a car, it’s not because he loves the environment, it is because he’s a loser. He burnt up every car he gets his hands on, that’s why he’s a loser.”
“Oh yeah, you’re a real daddy, he takes off his dirty depends before he wets his victim’s Huggies.”
“Danny likes to hang out with older men, he pays them to be a father figure, he tried to hang out with me but I told him ‘no, you’re a loser.’ I didn’t want anything to do with him.”
“Okay okay are there any cops here? Because the only way this guy’s getting booked are with his sphincter prints.”
“Danny’s very brave, he’s not afraid of anything; except for sex, drugs and rock n roll, he can’t get any, hasn’t had any and that’s why he’s a loser.”
Danny doesn’t have a single hit, but to his credit, he delivered his final joke with a lot of bravado and committed fully, which is admirable, I guess. Danny’s gusto in the last joke was the last nail in his coffin, when Joe came back with the “Danny’s very brave” joke. Joe’s “Droopy Dog” delivery paired with the consistent “loser” joke faired extremely well tonight, every joke hit and he earned a solid victory over Danny. That’s all I’ll say about Joe, because I’m pretty sure he’ll murder me and make a belt out of my skin if I say anything more.
Next up we have Kelsey Lane vs. the artist formally known as Andrew Ryan Fox. Kelsey wants it first.
“Hey Andrew. Hot Topic called. No seriously. Your break ended like 30 minutes ago.”
‘Kelsey is a bisexual and she loves munching rug. It’s good practice for her future career cleaning carpets.”
“Punk is dead. And so is humanity’s hope that this is just a phase.”
“Kelsey was in a high school band called Piñata Diplomacy which is ironic because the word beats her down every day and we’re too diplomatic to tell her to hang herself.”
“All Andrew eats is junk food, the only thing he’s ever had that’s free range, is his wife’s cunt.”
“I feel for Kelsey, I really do, like her parents, I was also drug addict. The only difference is that in my case, it wasn’t because of Kelsey.”
I really wanted to enjoy this battle, but Mike Lawrence said it best:
“It felt like an episode of intervention where there’s no one to root for.”
Both of these battlers have done better in the past, tonight wasn’t their night. Andrew got a decent pop with the drug addict joke, but the judges gave the slight edge to Kelsey and the audience agrees. Kelsey Lane takes the win.
The next undercard of the night is Tom Whalen vs. Rena Hundert. Even after the lackluster last battle, the audience is still excited and ready. Tom joins the stage first and says:
“Rena is really good, I’m so happy when I asked her to battle she said yes, because she normally just says NEIGGGGHHHH!”
It’s a delightful jab at Rena, although it doesn’t hit as hard because we haven’t seen her yet. Rena joins the stage and Tom volunteers to go first.
“Rena you look like every time you cum someone should scream ‘and they’re off!’”
“Tom hates Jews because he knows that we know, that he’s a bad investment.”
“Rena you Montreal mongoloid, you look like Miss Frizzle if she rode on the magic short bus.”
“You’re just jealous cuz I can eat maple syrup without insulin.”
“It’s true, I am fat, but you look like your idea of working out is eating corn dogs on a treadmill. I like to call Rena’s pussy ‘Bird Box’, because when someone sees it they immediately want to kill themselves. That’s why I Bandersnatch.”
“Tom studied opera, which makes him a faggot, but he’s also from Boston, which means he can’t stop calling everyone else faggot.”
Rena gets a strong pop from the maple syrup joke, but the rest fall flat. Tom had consistently hitting jokes and sealed it with the fun word play of the last joke and earns himself the win. This is the best we’ve seen of Tom, and if he continues on this trajectory, he’s going to be a force.
The last undercard of the night is Brett Erickson vs battle rapper Rahney. After an awkward exchange between Rahney and himself, he reluctantly volunteers to go first.
“Every time I see Brett he looks like he’s really stressed out at work, he’s dressed like the cool teacher from out of town, you look like you’d shoot up a school of fish.”
“Rahney’s like Joe Eurell at Christmas, not a good wrapper.”
“Before the show, Brett asked me if he could tell black jokes and I was like, ‘no’ and he was like ‘why’ and I was like, ‘because you asked, nigga, duh’. He looks like the guy that would say he’s not racist because he uses color-safe bleach.”
“The only reason the cops didn’t shoot Rahney the night he went to jail is he was rapping at the time, and in New Mexico, it’s illegal to shoot a retard.”
“Brett, I don’t know you for too long, but you look like you looked 40 since you were 20, like your high school prom was at the Antiques Road Show. Your nickname as a child was ‘uncle junior’.”
“Any time Rahney is standing around any three-white people, everyone thinks Hootie and the Blowfish got back together.”
Rahney delivers his “jokes” like a 16-year-old girl telling a story. I don’t know what was worse, his delivery or the convoluted, confusing jokes. Brett is the polar opposite, he came with solid, concise jokes and delivered them with sniper-like precision and ease. Brett easily wins and continues his loss-less roast record.
It’s technically been a long night, but with solid battles, it doesn’t feel that way and the crowd is hungry for more blood and the main event featuring legends Pat Barker and Joe Eurell. Halfway through the battle Dave Chapelle joins the VIP section with comedy legend D.L. Hughley, which adds fuel to the already explosive match. Pat wants to go first.
“Tonight, is Joe’s 25th battle, which means tomorrow morning he has to go in for an oil change.”
“Pat has a toddler, which is great because after the in vitro, he can only afford to eat off of the kid’s menu.”
“Joe told me he’s part Native American, but I think he was just conceived by two white people on an ancient Indian burial ground.”
“Coincidentally, that’s where they buried Pat’s miscarriage. Pat has a podcast about sports, which is appropriate, because, like sports, Pat doesn’t matter.”
“Okay Joe, slow your roll. Pump your brakes. I’m sorry, I actually promised myself I wouldn’t make wheelchair jokes tonight… but then I treated that promise like Joe’s birthparents treated him – I realized it was a mistake and decided not to keep it.”
“Clearly my parents were better parents than you and your wife, because they never had a miscarriage.”
“Yeah, you could’ve really used those stem cells huh?”
“Pat’s a great father because a man his size was able to take over the breastfeeding duties.”
“It’s true, I’m fat, everyone in Joe’s family is in great shape. His mom had a six pack – every night when she was pregnant. Here’s the deal, Joe actually is adopted. Joe’s parents adopted him and fifty-one other disabled kids. FIFTY-ONE other disabled kids! That makes for a terrible family but one hell of an episode of Battlebots. They heard they could get a discount if they bought their vegetables in bulk.”
“People call me a charity case, but if you want to see celebrities hanging out with someone that looks like a retarded toddler, check pat’s Instagram.”
“Joe’s studying to be a lawyer, but only God can judge him and he already said ‘motion denied’.”
“For the record, I never tried to be a lawyer, I don’t know why that rumor has persisted. Pat has never used marijuana in his entire life. That might change when he finds out they have it in brownies.”
You know it was a great battle when even the arrival of comedy legends Dave Chapelle and D.L. Hughley don’t upstage the battle. Their expert back and forth was flawless and punctuated by hilarious one-offs. Phenomenal battle by both of these men, the judges vote for Pat but don’t want the carnage to end, so they demand one more sudden-death joke.
“Pat is proud to have a son that looks exactly like him. Pat’s wife is sad to have a son that looks exactly like him.”
“You know Joe, you and my son would really get along. Nobody can understand him when he talks, you both shit your pants every day, the only difference is that he learned to walk last year.”
Pat’s last joke brings down the house and he takes the victory over Joe.
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