Oh man. Where to begin. This actually the second ass I’ve seen on stage at the Comedy Store.A MAJOR shout out to the Great Photog, Troy Conrad. If you can support this man, his photos or his comedy shows, please do. This show is so awesome and unpredictable. So many moving parts. The Negro Wave. Coach Tea. And of course, the judges. They’ve been so on point the last few weeks. I can’t hammer home how great it is having anywhere from 3-8 comics trading a microphone during a live show. Mike Lawrence was great and Joe had a JOTN nominee that we’ll get to later. Guy Branum was one of the best I’ve ever seen.
“Moses, where is Jamar? Willie isn’t hot”’-Guy, cutting to the bone.
And then this main pic stuff happens. That’s spring fresh judge Guy Branum almost blowing Earl Skakel live on stage. ATTN LA COMICS: THIS IS HOW YOU COMMIT TO THE BIT. Did it really happen? Was it just the tip? It was behind a curtain so I guess we’ll never know for sure.
It was interesting to again be on the sidelines for the Battle. Watching the show pack out. Seeing the Battlers prepare themselves. Getting to enjoy Regan and Watkins. Who are Regan and Watkins?
That’s who. Beautiful souls, both of them. This show has it all. Music. Comedy. But mostly, it has the most important part of a comedy show. It has a bunch of friends. And a microphone.
4 battles this week, so we need to get these reviews bruh. #LETSROAST
I went 1-3 picks. Meh city. But our first undercard had the best loss of my picks career! Olivia Grace (1-0, 59) took down Matt Cole (0-1, 74).
That’s right! New ranks are done! Just not posted yet. Also, shoutout to whoever got this pic. The Great Photog had not arrived yet! But seriously Olivia did so great. Just a pup at 19 but you’d never know by the strength of her jokes.
“You can see Matt make his film debut in American History Xtra Large.”
“Matt made out with me when I was 17. He likes his girls like he likes his jokes, underdeveloped.
Kaboom right? She had the swag she needed too. Knew she could take down Matt and owned it. I love these newbz like Olivia and Wub (1-0, 35) just show up and roast. Matt had a little something.
“Olivia has a tattoo of Doug Stanhope’s autograph on her stomach. Give it a year that’ll be the biggest name in comedy.”
Matt also had a few bombs so he made it easy for the crowd to hand Olivia her first victory!
This battle gets ???/??? flame emojis!
Our second undercard had Greg Kashmanian (1-0, 50) beating best friend Paul Laier (0-1, 89)!
“We only had these two so Mike Lawrence could feel attractive.”-someone i don’t remember but great joke.
Decent undercard. We only roast the ones we love and I was told these two were thick as thieves. Not a weight joke. Paul had some good stage presence but no real good joke to speak of.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve had sex with twice as many women as Greg but if we’re going by net weight then Greg has had sex with four times as many women as I have.”
His biggest laugh came when one of his jokes bombed and Coach Tea served him up with a phone disconnect drop. Coach Tea will roast you with a sound effect. Idk if I got Coach Tea dropped. Hope not. Anyway, here’s some of Greg’s heat.
“Paul has the body of a rape victim. And the face of the guy who raped him.”
“At least I have a credit.”-after Paul tried to roast Greg’s BET credit. Comebacks are one of the Pontiac Keys to Vict.
Greg was the clear winner and the only person I picked. Thanks man!
This battle gets ??/??? flame emojis.
Our first main event had Leah Kayajanian (2-0, 30) defeating Toby Muresianu (2-1, 44)!
I was so torn on these last two battles. Leah is funny but had a kinda defualt win last time. Toby had just defeated Brent Duncan (2-1, 43). To be honest, I made the mistake of picking the people I was better friends with rather than who might have been the smart pick to win. Leah commanded the stage more than Toby could. She had fire jokes as well.
“Toby looks like what NPR sounds like”
“Toby looks like the weakest link in a chain of lesbians.
“Toby comes from a long line of boring Jews. His great-grandmother was on Schindler’s Standby List.”
“My nose is bigger than Toby’s dick.”
Hot damn right? The last joke is interesting because it was a B-Rabbit style pre-emptive strike against something that Toby could have made fun of. Toby had a JOTN nominee but that’s about it.
“Leah is such butterface she’s not allowed in vegan restaurants.”
Ooh damn. Guy wouldn’t let off Toby either.
“Toby are you season 3 of Scandal? Because I am completely bored by you.”
“Toby we watched you get raped just now. Leah was too much for you on stage. It was brave how you tried to fight back with those last two jokes but just know you have witnesses should you decide to press charges.”
Tough stuff, Toby. Guy’s rape comparison was terrifyingly brilliant. I probably didn’t get the wording as funny as he said it but the people had to know. Joe DeRosa was great too. Called Toby “Bob the Builder” and said he’d vote for him if he measured his dick to Leah’s nose. Classic Joe. But despite all the venom traded during this battle, at the end, we hug.
This battle gets ????/????? flame emojis.
And our mayn Main Event had Stuart Thompson (3-1, 9) beating Jay Light (5-3, 15)!
It’s like the Mickey Roast Club up there with these three. Nah this is a fun image for sure. Three Store guys. The Roast Battle. Does Moses have t-shirts that aren’t black and aggressive? We may never know. So many good jokes. So many great moments. This was when the House Haterz showed up and Earl got fellated. This had Regan and Watkins performance. Good mayn main.
“Good to see what the kids from the Sandlot are up to.”-Joe DeRosa.
“Stuart looks like the default if you were to “Create-A-Comedian” in a video game.-Mike Lawrence
Just hot fire from the judges there. It gets better from them too. This was such a good battle from two really good joke writers. Stuart won the first round. Jay took the second round. And they just about split the vote in round 3. Stu just had the edge.
JAY ON STU
“Stuart was born late. After his head popped out, he stayed put because he thought his mom’s pussy lips were a cardigan.”-round 1
“The only time Stuart kills is when Skynet activates.”-round 2
“Stuart is only 25 but he already has the dead eyes of a washed-up marionette salesman.”-round 2
“Before they dated, I fucked Stuart’s ex. Of course you dated a chef, you love sloppy seconds.”-round 3
Daaaaaaaamn. Small world right? How about that love triangle shiz? Moses and I agree, Jay should have hit Stu with that first. Stu didn’t know. Moses brought it up during the intros and Stu was legit surprised. No man wants to hear that. Would have been a hell of a story line to have for the rest of the battle.
STU ON JAY
“I was supposed to be roasting Pamela Walt, so I spent all this time writing jokes aimed at a skinny white bitch with no future in comedy. Good news is I didn’t have to rewrite any of my jokes.”-round 1
“Jay” is short for Jerry, and also a grown up.”-round 1
“Jay’s being sued for something he said on a podcast. It’s gonna go to smallest claims court.”-round 1
“This is Jay’s 8th Roast Battle, which means Jay’s been abusing his Make-a-Wish.”-round 3
And that’s why it was our mayn Main Event. Store guys. Top tier joke writer’s. Just fuckin get down here already. Every Tuesday at midnight.
This battle gets ????/????? flame emojis! Only because I lost the pick. Seriously only reason.
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Toby comes from a long line of boring Jews. His great-grandmother was on Schindler’s Standby List.”-Leah, round 1
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Leah is such butterface she’s not allowed in vegan restaurants.”-Toby, round 2
SPECIAL EXTRA JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“You look like a father and son that switched heads.”-Joe DeRosa
And this is the final scene of that movie.
See you next week, folks.
I am 17-11 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.