As the weather is heating up, so is The Belly Room. I’d warn white women to call the police, but there is no amount of lemonade to sustain the unquenchable thirst for verbal destruction. Those who will cast judgement this evening have taken their seats in their balcony of doom, and host Brian Moses introduces them to start off a marathon of seven battles. The judges tonight are Ramon Rivas II, Mike Lawrence, and Jacob Sirof to start us off. Right from the get go, Mike Lawrence starts roasting a valued member of the audience. “There’s a Mexican wall in the front row. It’s Edward James Olmos-t dead. He looks like Fluffy’s fluffer.” The audience is already getting a taste of what they came there for. It’s nearly midnight by the time the battles finally begin, so Moses brings up the Belly Room’s first two victims right away.
With credits like TMZ and America’s Got Talent under her belt, it’s obvious Stacey Machelle has fearlessness on her side as she steps into the ring for the first time. Our host’s ritual of asking “why are you battling this person?” is upheld. Stacey replies, “I’ve known Alice since 2002, and we’ve known each other a long time. So, I wanted my first battle to be against someone I really cared about, and I wanted my first battle to be against a lady. But Alice will do.” This introduction is too lengthy without enough of a payoff in my opinion but hey, it’s her first time! Alice Cutler is brought up next and asked the same question. “She asked me, and I felt bad. I didn’t want her to get rejected any more.” When Brian asks who is going first, Stacey simply points at Alice so she says “I guess I’m going.” Let the first battle begin!
“Stacey was on the Tae Bo infomercial as the before picture and the other before picture.”
“Alice is from Kentucky and I went to her wedding anyway. That was the first time I had ever seen the bride and the bridesmaids wearing matching white hoods and sheets.”
“Stacey has the best head of hair. That someone else grew.”
“That is great coming from the offspring of Barbie and every homeless guy that lives in an RV in Malibu.”
“For three years now, Alice and her husband have been trying to have a baby. They’d have better luck if she stopped taking it up the ass only.”
“Stacey was abandoned by her dad, bullied during her childhood for having a lazy eye, and ended up in a failed marriage. They were going to make a lifetime movie about her but it was too sad.”
“Thank you lady that was so cheap that she bought a dog with three legs.”
Stacey now pauses.
“I have ADHD, give me a moment.”
The audience obliges her handicap.
“I’m not saying that Alice is a dumb blonde but only a dumb blonde would go back to Planned Parenthood to get her aborted babies out of layaway?”
Stacey almost poses her last joke as a question. Upspeak can be one of the most challenging communication mishaps that is necessary to cut out of your comedy. Your audience will doubt your confidence. Unless self doubt is congruent and works with your persona, it is not a pretty sight. Tony Hinchcliffe joins the judges now, and although he did not see the battle, decides to weigh in on Alice’s overall appearance. “She came out looking like Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife, Dog the Bounty Hunter’s daughter, and also Dog the Bounty hunter all at the same time.”
Although Stacey’s joke about Alice being racist gets a laugh, I give Alice credit for not making racist jokes when it would have been easier to play off of those stereotypes. Except when she said Stacey’s eye was lazy. Low blow, Alice. Stacey Machelle takes home her first Roast Battle win, and we hope she plays again soon.
Brian Moses propels us right into the second battle of the night featuring Javon Whitlock and Robert Omoto. Javon unfortunately misses his first shot by making a confusing comment nobody truly understands about Robert’s pants. Robert, however, gets the audience on his side from the beginning with his zinger, “Javon doesn’t belong doing comedy. He belongs riding a bike in Grand Theft Auto.” With that, Bobby volunteers to go first.
“Javon Whitlock everybody, or as big white women like to call him, Kryptonite.”
“Thank you, Jackie Chinhair. My man Robert just had a baby boy, which is beautiful. I imagine him standing up to bullies yelling ‘Hey! Pick on someone your own size”, and that shit actually being true.
“You may have seen Javon performing stand up comedy, or pushing a bobsled for Team Jamaica in Cool Runnings.
“My man Bobby O used to be a bartender, but he got fired because his hands were too small. To hide the roofies he kept trying to drop in people’s drinks.”
“You might recognize Javon’s face as the top selling poster in any law enforcement shooting range.”
“My man Robert has a deep love for MMA fight sports, so much so that he goes and take classes. Which he uses to fund his extra passions: being mounted by men.”
“It is pride month!”- Brian Moses. The judges now weigh in on what they just witnessed.
“These are the two funniest people in Sacramento”- Jacob Sirof.
“I’m going to give this one to Darvonte.” – Tony Hinchcliffe.
“It’s better than my normal default white name, which is Jason.” – Javon.
I AM SORRY. I did have his name written down as Jason in the preview for some reason. Although, the mistake does explain why I couldn’t find any information on him without help. Whoops. I wish I knew every comic in Sacramento, but I do not. Anyways, it was a very close match, but the audience gives it to Robert Omoto by a smidge.
Moving right along to our next match, Moses brings up Michael Blackstock first. He begins with “I was raised by lesbians and —“ but he’s cut off by Brian Moses with “you don’t say!”. This gets a big laugh from the audience. Mike tries to get his joke out again. “Yeah, but they couldn’t be here tonight so–” but Moses cuts him off again with “Is that a swastika tattoo?!”. The judges are too hungry to sink their teeth into him to even think about letting him finish.
“He’s usually funnier with David Spade next to him.” -Mike Lawrence.
“He was raised by two lesbians? That explains why he loves eating out so much.” -Tony Hinchcliffe
Moses takes a moment to introduce the beloved Wave: Willie Hunter, Jeremiah Watkins, and Jamar Neighbors.
Let the battle begin!
“Victor looks so sweaty and dykey, I’m surprised there’s not a Dutch boy with his fingers inside of him right now.”
“Thank you, Trailer Park Fuck Boy. Michael was raised by two mothers. They both wish they aborted me. He’s going through a divorce right now. How are you raised by two pussies and you can’t keep one happy?”
“Pretty vicious coming from the love child of Roseanne and Ritchie Valens over there. Victor told me he’s been doing stand up for 7 years, which is coincendetally how long his father has been telling everybody that his son is dead.”
“Make some noise for Mike. He’s a veteran. His wife is leaving him because he keeps dishonorably discharging in his pants.”
“I’d feel bad if we didn’t have so much in common. I grew up on a ranch and he grew up eating everything covered in it.”
“Michael looks like the kind of guy that would keep up with Game of Thrones just for the incest and dragons.”
Victor stumbles getting the words out clearly on his last joke, although I’m not sure it would have helped. The judges weigh in relatively quickly, getting a few zingers in.
“You look like his Mexican Snapchat filter.”-Mike Lawrence.
“One of my favorite battles in the history of Orange is the New Black. Not one was this Mike’s first battle, but he came all the way from the land of Oz to be here. He had some great jokes against this fat Rachel Maddow. Look at that little adorable fuck over there. I have so many questions.”
The judges and the crowd give it to “that adorable little fuck”, and Michael Blackstock wins his first battle.
Moving right along to the next battle, Moses brings up Cole Alexander with the information that he dates a trans woman. I’m going to leave their reasons for battling each other out. With all of these abortion bans happening, I think there should be a law that get both of those jokes aborted. Sarah Lawrence is brought up and gives Cole a hug as soon as she comes up.
“Is that the trans woman that he’s dating?” – Tony Hinchcliffe.
Moses asks Sarah Lawrence if she would let The Wave smash. She just says “I don’t know what you’re saying…”. Is it possible that we are making such an impact with this Me Too movement that we no longer even hear questions that oppose it? Sarah volunteers to go first.
“Cole’s mom must have smoked so much fucking meth while Cole was in the womb for him to come out look like Benjamin Button.”
“Thank you, Spray Tan is the New Black. Sarah’s body is like a fine wine. Aged and often passed around by a group of friends.”
“Thank you, post-crash Paul Walker. Cole looks like he hangs out in front of elementary schools and at recess, tries to show the kids his fruit roll up.”
“Good one, Vege-might have herpes. Sarah grows an inch every time she fails a relationship, but her tits stay the same.”
“Thank you, Lance Bass with more AIDS. Cole’s main goal in life is to have two women at the same time. Chained up in the basement and even they won’t fuck him.
“Not true. Sarah is Australian. In Australia, the water in toilets goes the opposite direction. If you don’t believe me, ask the fetuses Sarah aborted.”
Much like his trans girlfriend, we are all blown away by Cole. A double punch joke is always so impressive for Roast Battle fans. The laughs after “fails a relationship” and “but her tits stay the same”, hit her right in the small tits. What is more is that Cole is Anna Valenzuela approved. She knows a great battler rising when she sees one. Tony said it best, “He’s clearly transitioning into being a better comedian.” Cole wins by a landslide.
Moses moves into the next battle with “We have a disabled person, and Steve Lee.” Guam Felix is brought up first and introduces their battle with, “I figured people would want to see two immigrants fight it out.” When Steve Lee, who has muscular dystrophy, is summoned to the stage, Tony Hinchcliffe remarks, “He’s from Hong Kong and he looks like King Kong.” Moses asks Steve why they are battling and Steve says, “he challenged me.” Moses gets a big laugh when he says, “don’t say challenged.” Guam volunteers to go first.
“Steve cannot wipe his ass after he takes a dump. So, he gets naked and walks through a carwash.”
“Guam is the only guy who gained weight building the railroad.”
“Thank you, Jet Lag Lee. Steve got a job teaching sign language to kids with dyslexia.”
“Guam has been doing comedy for 25 years, but the only time you see him doing 30 is during his lunch break.”
“When Steve was born, the doctor tried to kill him but his baby crutches broke the blades inside of the blender.”
The Wave comes out and celebrates the joke by acting out baby crutches in a blender by spinning around with air crutches and laughing.
“Guam looks like Varys from Game of Thrones who ate the last dragon with soy sauce.”
It was a great battle, with both comedians getting pops at different times. The judges weigh in, and it becomes evident that the most memorable joke of the battle was Guam’s very imaginative baby crutches joke. Mike Lawrence is undecided at first, although he does comment “I feel like baby crutches is the sequel to Baby Shark. Baby Crutches do do do do do”, inspiring the title of this coverage. Jacob gives it to Guam, but Tony has different thoughts on what just happened. “This battle was one sided. The act out was funny. The joke was not. Picturing baby crutches is funny, but we didn’t see that. The Wave showed us that. The Wave is notorious for being able to sway a battle.”- Hinchcliffe. Ramon agrees with Tony, and Mike even goes back on his indecision to reward Steve Lee with the win. The audience agrees and Steve wins the battle.
In our sixth battle of the night, Ricky Macias (2-1) is brought up first. When prompted why he is battling Quentin (10-5), he remarks:
“He made a desperate plea on facebook for battle requests. Plus, Mental health awareness month passed, and in honor of that, I figured I would beat him because he’s the physical embodiment of depression.”
When asked why Quentin is battling Ricky he says, “because he’s fucking gayyy.” These jokes don’t really land, so the other players bring some laughs back into the room now.
“He [Ricky] looks like a Bob’s Burgers character.” – Jacob Sirof.
“Like a male Daria.” – Brian Moses
“Who let the backup bass player do jokes tonight?” – Tony Hinchcliffe
Quentin volunteers to go first.
“Ricky looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda if instead of writing Hamilton, he wrote love letters to a girl he met once.”
“Quentin’s girlfriend recently left him for medical school. They had to break up, but she did agree to come back to help him with his assisted suicide.”
“Forgive Ricky, he’s not used to being on stage when people are laughing. Ricky is the eighth of twelve kids, which is the only time anyone will describe him as 8/10.”
“Quentin is self conscious about his height. He’s 6’4 and still, no one looks up to him.”
“Ricky is just jealous because I’m 6 feet over and his dad is 6 feet under.”
“Speaking of dads, Quentin’s dad is a retired actor. His hardest gig was always the one where he had to come home and pretend to love his son.”
The judges now weigh in on their battle.
“It felt like a battle between the two founders of Pornhub. It was a real incel-abration.”- Mike Lawrence.
“To the guys that let the Chernobyl meltdown happen.” – Tony Hinchcliffe.
The judges and the audience are in agreement, and give the win to Quentin Thomas.
Brian Moses brings us home with our final battle of the night: Tony Bartolone and Brett Erickson. Tony Bartolone is first up to the stage. Chef Boyardi says he is battling Brett because “Brett is constantly drinking and doing coke and he’s over 50 years old. So, grant an old man his dying wish. He’s going to die soon…” The dead beat dad that owns a record store is brought up next, which allows Mike Lawrence to weigh in on these two. “They look like each other’s AA sponsors.” When asked why Brett is battling Tony, he remarks “I just thought it would be nice if Tony got to come inside.” So far, neither is doing well with their introduction zingers. Brett goes first.
“You never know it from looking at him, but Tony is not a virgin and now, neither is that dog.”
“The heart wants what it wants.”
“Now you have heart worms.”
“I had a really hard time believing Brett was a dad until I saw a picture of him with his baby. Because nothing says Brett Erickson like a man holding onto his youth.”
“Ever since his mom kicked him out, Tony has been living in a shed behind a factory downtown. But he doesn’t like to be called a squatter. It sounds too much like exercise.”
“You look like you’d roofie a girl just to watch her sleep.”
“Tony here won’t put effort into anything. He’s so lazy, he waits to eat ‘til he’s yawning.”
“That just makes good sense.”
“I thought that one would do better.”
“Brett’s biggest credit is being friends with Doug Stanhope. I kinda feel bad for Doug. We’ve all had drug dealers think they’re our friends.”
“Yes, cocaine. What I pay for and you suck dick for.”
“I just do it for the love of the game.”
“Tony here does his best to cope. He meditates every day. His manta is “Ooomless. Hoooomelesss. Hooooomeless.”
“Brett is going through a midlife crisis but instead of a porsche he bought a skateboard.”
“It’s been a struggle to be Tony. He’s even been suicidal. One time he tried to kill himself with a pair of scissors. It didn’t work of course because well, you have to run with them.”
“Brett is staunchly pro choice. For example, his wife chose to keep the baby but terminate the marriage.”
The fun banter and mutual respect between the two made it an entertaining battle to watch. Both Brett and Tony had peaks and valleys with these jokes, making it a very close match. However, it is ultimately up to the judges to cast their votes and find out who is the winner. Mike Lawrence goes with Tony because his roofie joke was the biggest pop of the battle. Ramon, Jacob, and Tony give it to Brett, however, making the decision unanimous. This ruling leaves Brett Erickson as an undefeated player in the game of Roast Battle. Wow. What an excellent night of battles on this June evening.
Who will be brave enough to try to take each other down next? Find out next week. Catch ya later, weirdos.