Tonight is Roast Battle, which can only mean that it’s Tuesday. I’m the first person in Roast Report history to flip that sentence, and this will be the primary focus of today’s report. Zach Stein is a pioneer, a trailblazer, and a maverick. He doesn’t simply see a repeatedly used sentence and go, “hey, I better keep using that sentence.” Fuck no. He asks himself if he can put the information on opposite sides of the comma, then he goes out and achieves greatness. In the face of national tragedy after national tragedy, Zach Stein stands alone as the only modern day American hero.
We’ve got two fantastic judges, whose presence will only be overshadowed by an immense accomplishment that I’m too humble to mention. First, we’ve got CP (Detroiters, White Famous) a veteran comedian and writer from the great city of Detroit. CP has judged in the past and his experience makes him a shrewd judge who will also be constantly funny. We also have the hilariously handsome and handsomely hilarious, Jeff Dye (This is Not Happening). Jeff has been a frequent judge of Roast Battle over the past couple years, and always brings hilarious criticisms and deserved praises. As usual, they will be joined by some of the biggest names in comedy and pop culture, who happen to be lurking around the Comedy Store. Anyone could join, and Tony Hinchcliffe certainly will.
Our first battle of the night features Jonny Stewart taking on Roast Battle virgin Stefanie Michele, and with that my search engine switches from IMDB to Facebook. My search tells me that Stefanie is a woman, the only one on the show tonight, but one nonetheless so no complaining. It also appears that she has children, and unlike her opponent, she is able to see her children frequently. Was that a low blow to Jonny Stewart? Probably, but that’s what happens when you post the results of your custody trial on social media, and when I’m an asshole. I’ve been calling him The Reverend Jonny Stewart, and it turns out he’s not a reverend at all, just a juggalo. Nonetheless, The Reverend has put on some fantastically entertaining battles, delivering both great jokes and spectacle to create a hell of a show. I expect tonight to be no different, and hopefully Stefanie will be able to hold her own and take down an actual insane clown. Woop Woop Faygo.
Next up we have everyone’s second favorite Anthony Davis taking on everyone’s favorite mortician, Juan Cias. He might be some people’s second favorite mortician, but most of us try not to know any, but here Juan is, thrusting himself into our lives. Juan is an exciting and fun battler to watch, fully embracing his creepy persona, or maybe just acting naturally. Either way, he’s a fun target and a great sport, who can turn defense into offense by owning being a scary guy who touches lots of dead bodies. This will be Anthony Davis’s second battle with the basketball player as a Los Angeles Laker, and I hope the headline leads to some very unhappy people. Seriously, this dude’s white and has two eyebrows. Anthony has shown great prowess in the Roast Battle arena, winning his last two battles in strong showings, and can be trusted to put on a hell of a show. None of this will change the fact that he’s not a famous basketball player.
Our final undercard of the night has Battler of the Year nominee, Brett Erickson going up against Most Improved Battler Nominee, Tim McGorry. Check out the Roasties. This isn’t like most awards where Most Improved is what they’re stuck with giving the person who doesn’t deserve one; most people don’t even get nominated for one Roastie. Shit, I was only nominated for three, including Main Event of the Year with Brett Erickson, who beat the living fuck out of me. Tim also beat my ass when we battled, so you know that these guys are good, or that I suck. Brett has the longest win streak in Roast Battle history, netting ten consecutive wins before he was bested by Roasting great Omid Singh in his most recent battle. Brett is the highest ranked battler tonight, so this not being a main event is obviously because of Tim McGorry. This will be Tim’s toughest opponent to date, but he’s been on an absolute path of destruction, and a win or strong loss here would likely propel him into Main Event status. Brett will be eager to get back in the win column after feeling the sting of defeat, and Tim has a lot to gain from taking down this behemoth. Expect both to come prepared and hungry for the win, and Tim hungry for the Wendy’s.
Our main event tonight features Ashley Johnson vs Josh Waldron, as an immovable object meets a gay guy. Josh isn’t actually gay, but he makes you call him it due to this being a roast show coupled with everything about him. Josh is the founder of the Roast Report that you’re reading currently and one of the earliest components in this storied show. After a brief hiatus, he has been back with a vengeance and putting on fantastic battles, earning himself an undercard of the year Roastie nomination for his explosive battle with Tom Whalen. Josh is roastability personified, but he takes it in stride, knowing exactly what he looks like, and can serve it back twice as hard. Ashley Johnson has been an absolute wrecking ball in the Roast Battle arena, leaving mangled bodies in his wake. I’d imagine he was right on the bubble of multiple Roastie nomination categories, but nonetheless may feel overlooked as he had a nearly unimpeachable year of roasting. Ashley combines zero fat joke writing with a domineering yet likable delivery, that is very hard to compete with. His battles look one sided, which is more of a testament to his skill set than a slight against his opponents. Josh should be a perfect opponent and balance to Ashley, as he is never shaken and always ready to brawl.
Expect fireworks tonight, this should be a fun night all the way through.