What a sight. This is one of my favorite images we’ve ever had at Roast Battle. Moses throwing down the rules. Jay Light ensuring roast fans from across the globe can watch the show through Periscope. And, of course, Earl Skakel (3-1, 14) clinging to youth in any way possible, this time in the form of a baseball t-shirt. But this is the team basically! Pepper in the Great Photog and Coach Tea and you have an irreplaceable team that bring us one of the best shows on the planet. And don’t think I forgot about The Wave.
Some of the other acts really help the show shine as well. Boon shows up when we want a Proud Mary fix or when he finally finds a shower, whichever comes first. Then there’s international singer/song writer duo “Regan and Watkins”! Check out some of their stuff here. Bottom line is the battles may be the cherry on the roasted sundae but every ingredient counts!
Time to review!
The first undercard had Zane Pond (1-0, 65) overcoming Jasmin Leigh (0-1, 103)!
This was a good undercard. Zane really embodied the spirit of an professional wrestler. He had an intimidating stance and pace and his gravelly voice gave an extra oomph to his jokes. I did not expect a mix of Goldberg and The Undertaker to be the sound he made when he spoke. He had great presence and jokes that were funny and mean. Good jokes are good jokes but this crowd wants the meanest and more often than not, most racist thing that they can get and Zane delivered.
ZANE ON JASMIN
“Jasmin has a show called “WTF Wednesdays”. It leaves audiences like Bobbi Kristina, dead and unresponsive.”
You’re so white-washed, the only thing black about you is your EBT card and purple pussy.”
Daaaamn son. Again, his presence and delivery helped a lot. Jasmin is probably a fine comedian but her style may not be suited for battle. They were decent jokes but a few were too wordy. Brevity is the soul of wit and longevity is the death of roast jokes.
JASMIN ON ZANE
“Zane looks like his gym teacher used to touch him.”
“Zane is the worst dressed gay man I’ve ever seen. He looks like Austin Powers and Fat Bastard had a baby.”
Her “gym teacher” joke that she used last was funny and smart and just what you want in a roast joke. But it was too little, too late and Zane, the Undertopper, took the gay/minority championship belt. At least for now.
? ? / ? ? ?! Only because I’m in a good mood today. Why don’t good and mood rhyme? Oh, English…
Tony Bartolone (1-0, 75) was victorious over Terrence Newman (0-1, 113)!
Another win for the white guys! #abouttime. This was a fun battle. These two are friends and the chemistry helped add to a great fight. It was a better quality version of the first undercard. A chubby white guy hit quick and hard and his opponent’s jokes had more setup than punchline. Terrence’s biggest laugh came when he made a play on words with Tony’s name but it set Tony up for a huge comeback.
TERRENCE ON TONY
“Tony Bartolone, somehow, SOMEHOW, has a neck beard without having a neck.”
“A lot of people don’t know this about Tony “Fat and Lonely”, but Tony “Fat and Lonely” lives in a room behind a warehouse that his uncle owns in south LA, because apparently a van down by the river was out of his price range.
Just too many words. It’s okay, Terrence. You’re new, man. Tony came with mean heat instead of just plain ol’ heat. Also, Terrence took a chance on comparing Tony to a racoon and then bringing out a picture of a racoon. I’ve only seen prop jokes succeed twice. This was not one of those times.
TONY ON TERRENCE
“Terrence runs comedy shows in his backyard in Echo Park. He wants to be white so bad he gentrified his own house.”
“I may live in my uncle’s shack but at least I don’t live in Uncle Tom’s cabin.”
That last one set the room ablaze. Comebacks in Roast Battle are like a pick six in football. They shut down whatever your opponent just did and the fans will go crazy with support for you.
? ? / ? ? ?! An earned ? ? / ? ? ?.
The final undercard saw Robbie Kirkhuff (2-0, 47) defeat Brandon Jeddi (0-1, )
Two things we learned right away in this battle; Robbie might have Hepatitis C and Brandon is Persian. I love how Moses didn’t know he was Persian, found out, and immediately made an ISIS joke. Oh, racism. It really is the HGH of Roast Battle. This was a bipolar battle if I’ve ever seen one. There were many lows and exactly one high per battler in this undercard. Their friendship created good on-stage chemistry and that can make up for less than stellar joke writing, especially in the undercard.
ROBBIE ON BRANDON
“Brandon has a lot of friends here tonight. But his mom couldn’t be here because she’s dead and his dad couldn’t be here because he doesn’t think Brandon is funny.”
“Brandon’s girlfriend has a huge Disney fetish. Which makes sense since she’s fucking Bambi over here. His mom’s dead.”
“Brandon looks like he’s in really great shape. If that shape is an asshole.”
They say if you have to explain a joke, it’s not funny. Robbie spat in the face of that phrase with the “Bambi” joke. I don’t know if it was intentional but after dropping the “mom’s dead” line the crowd went crazy. Admittedly, I didn’t get it at first, but it went from a bomb to the joke that won the match for Robbie.
BRANDON ON ROBBIE
“Robbie recently had a grandma named Hope die. But the first time hope died in his family is when Robbie survived the abortion.”
“Robbie has fucked so many rotten pussies, he stinks like a boat captain fishing in the Hepatitis Sea.”
“Robbie likes to brag about his career. He recently told me about a spot he had on Comedy Juice, but it turned to be a glory hole behind the Improv.”
I actually loved the “Hepatitis Sea” joke but that’s because I fucking love puns. That “grandma” joke was great. If Brandon has four like that in his next battle, he could win. Also, Moses had to go through like four rounds of clapping to figure out who won. Audience, you don’t have to Paula Abdul it and clap for everyone. It’s up to you to let us know who won. Don’t let us down.
This battle earns a trendy ? ? / ? ? ?.
And in one of the best matches we’ve ever had, Alex Hooper (7-2, 2) outlasted Keith Carey (5-2, 6)!
If you missed this battle I feel bad for you son. I don’t have a fun Jay-Z reference. I literally feel awful for those who missed this. This was a showcase of two of our best roast joke writers and it did not disappoint in the slightest. From intro to outro, this was Roast Battle at it’s finest. I have the audio if any rookie roasters want to know how it’s done. No notes. Brilliant jokes. Both guys owned the stage. They even crushed some pre-battle jokes and Alex landed a prop joke!
“Why did you bring a pineapple?” – Moses to Alex
“Well I heard we’re about to roast a pig!” – Alex, with a very Deliverance tone.
“I thought that was a sculpture of your head.” – Keith, to Alex, not missing a beat or meal ever.
Keith was great but he wasn’t enough for Alex in his final form.
ALEX ON KEITH
“Keith is what happens when your parents pass down their sweatpants instead of their genes.”
“Keith wasn’t born. He was beached.”
“You literally look like a shit ton.”
“Keith is only bisexual because he wanted to see what a penis looked like.”
“Keith is what happens when a chili burger becomes a real boy.”
FUUUUUUUUCK. That’s just a top five list but I assure you every joke hit. Alex also had some good banter with the judges. It was just his night. It really was “neck and no neck” as Alex joked in round three. Alex played his joke placement perfectly and had slightly more punch despite Keith having fantastic jokes as well!
KEITH ON ALEX
“Alex Hooper looks like a meth-Labradoodle.”
“You may recognize Alex from his starring role on Broadway in the all-Juggalo remake of ‘Annie.’
“Alex and his girlfriend recently bought a pug so she’d have something less embarrassing to fuck.”
“Alex looks like the only Jew that crawled back out of the oven.
“Alex claims to be an actor, but the only headshot anybody wants to see from him is one that’s self-inflicted.”
“Alex looks and sounds like Sam Kinison. Hopefully for comedy’s sake, you drive like him too.”
Daaaamn. Judges were great! Brody Stevens brought some guys from the Dodgers bullpen and it was right in time for our Clayton Kershaw and Zach Grienke to take the Roast Battle mound. It took some coaxing but Nikki Glaser proved she belonged.
“I loved you in The Mask.” – a burn for Alex, obvs.
“Wow, we got a tiebreaker. Or as I like to call it, Keith’s neck.”
Damn son. Those are some Ross/Hinchcliffe (1-1, 6HR) level zings. Come back anytime, Nikki!
I don’t think I’ve done this before. If not, it’s definitely time. ? ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?! A scale-breaking battle! Congrats boys!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“You literally look like a shit ton.” – Alex
JUDGES JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Keith is what happens when a chili burger becomes a real boy.” – Alex
I am 50-33 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.