Where tf do I begin? This was probably the biggest week the show has ever experienced. By now, you’ve all heard/posted about the show being picked up by Comedy Central. It’s been a long time coming. First and foremost, we thank Brian Moses. He’ll sit there and tell you this is a community project and we’re all in this together and that’s because he’s a humble leader. But without him, I have no reason to excitedly write at four o’clock in the morning, Coach Tea has no where to flex his beautiful mind and furiously fast fingertips and a comedy scene has no where to come together every Tuesday at 11. Moses is blowing up like the Godfather right now.
That was on the front page of reddit. Shout out to Rich Slaton for helping to make that happen. Second, we thank the Comedy Store. That’s our home! I don’t think any room is as packed as the Belly Room is every Tuesday night. Lastly, we thank the beef started by Josh Martin and Kenny Lion way back when. That was the first brick in the empire that is Roast Battle. Remember, if you’re feeling as much pride as I am about the show right now and want to show off, Google your name next to “roast battle tumblr” and your article will show up. Feel free to read/share all over again! So lift a drink with me and cheers to the Comedy Store. Cheers to the Roastmaster General. Cheers to Rolling Stone. Cheers to Troy Conrad Photography. Special cheers to Meyrowitz with the tag. Cheers to the pod and cheers to legal pot that gets delivered to your door. And mostly, cheers to all of us. Long live Roast Battle.
In the first undercard, Nat Baimel (0-1) fell to the impressive debut of Sameer Suri (1-0)!
Look closely for Nat and Sameer as they’re right behind Jeremiah Watkins’ act-out. Hey, records are back! Shout out to Patty Cake (Pat Barker for future ref) for going through the archives getting everyone’s records up to date. This battle was one of the best undercards we’ve had and easily the best battle to ever start off a Tuesday. Sameer instantly showed he belonged by calling Nat a bigger faggot than him. His flamboyance topped that of the many gay battlers that came before him including Joe Dosch, Zane Pond and Connor McSpadden. He also had the limpest wrists I’ve ever seen. His hands looked like they were bowing to all the dicks in the crowd. Not only did he crush his stage presence, his jokes were of the highest quality for Roast Battle.
SAMEER ON NAT
“Nat has told me he’s very well-endowed. I’ve seen the outline, darling. Your penis is shorter than a white girl’s DUI sentence.”
“Nat was a virgin till he was twenty-five. He was like the Syrian refugees: you sympathize, but that doesn’t mean you’d let him enter you.”
“Nat should know from this. Doesn’t he seem faggy? He had a colonoscopy; the doctor found Vin Diesel.”
“When it comes to sex, Nat’s magic number is ten. Any younger and he can’t fit it in.”
“Nat thinks he was the apple of his mother’s eye. Meanwhile, when he was born, the afterbirth was a wire hanger.” – OT joke
Sameer’s also the first person to send me his jokes with proper grammar and punctuation. Thanks bud! I had to include them all because they all hit. Hard. His overtime joke made his opponent cringe and that’s the sign of a dominant performance. You gotta feel for Nat Baimel. His jokes were stellar.
NAT ON SAMEER
“Sameer’s voting for Trump. He wants to build a wall so he can drill glory holes into it.”
“Sameer looks like he plans weddings that get attacked by drones.”
“Sameer’s parents are in technical support; they only technically support his lifestyle.”
“His ass is like the welfare system: you only go in when you’re desperate and it’s always abused by black guys.”
“Sameer’s asshole is like India: smelly, overcrowded, and receives AIDS from foreigners.” – OT joke
Good stuff man. Nat would probably roast the pants off of any nearly any other battler but Sameer was just too much for him to handle. Nat’s overtime joke juuuust about won it for him but the crowd loved Sameer too much.
????/???! Probably deserves more too.
In the second undercard, Sarah Keller (2-0) didn’t suck as much as Jake Marin (0-1)!
And that’s probably the first time Sarah didn’t suck as much as anyone in the same room as her. #giggity. As my preview indicated, I really like these two. But this battle was the essence of “meh”. They had the misfortune of following the first undercard. If tonight’s battles were a family, this one was the cousin that should have stayed home. They started with underwhelming intro jokes and it was all downhill from there.
JAKE ON SARAH
“Sarah works on a horse ranch but that’s the only thing about her that’s stable.”
“Sarah likes being choked in bed because it reminds her of being on stage.”
Both of their first jokes got a little pop but in all honesty, they weren’t mean enough. I gotta feel like Sarah benefitted a little from International Women’s Month and got extra love from the judges. Her jokes were fine but two of them got very little reaction from the crowd.
SARAH ON JAKE
“That’s funny coming from someone who used to be addicted to pills, but clearly not diet pills.”
“Jake says a lot of pussy jokes because it’s the only way he can get pussy in his mouth.”
It’s time for positive takeaways. I’m sure Sarah is still really good at her ranch job and Jake is back to comedy after a grueling back surgery/rehab process. Also, the battle lasted about five minutes and didn’t take long to cover. This is the end of positive takeaways.
Madison Sinclair (1-1) finally came to play and outshone Lindsey Jennings (1-2)!
“This is like a funhouse mirror where one version has tattoos and the other one has a family that loves her.” – Patty Cake with strong hate.
I am still chubbing from this battle. Lindsey started off the right way by saying she’d let the Wave smash but that was the only right move she made. She actually roasted herself in the intros which is a bold strategy that did not pay off for her, Cotton. Nor did throwing out the suggestion that Madison, uh, orally service her. Her jokes were well-intentioned but just didn’t hit the way she might have hoped.
LINDSEY ON MADISON
“Madison used to have cancer; now she just does standup for attention.”
“Madison is a lot like Madison Square Garden because they’ve both had 20,000 screaming dudes inside them.”
“Madison, you’d make a great Dorothy, in the ‘Wizard of Cocks’.”
Madison, I don’t know what spreads faster in your body, your cancer or your legs.”
On paper these are good jokes. When delivered, they are not good jokes. Now let’s get to Madison.
MADISON ON LINDSEY
“Lindsey is like the Berlin wall: covered in art but totally destroyed down south
“Lindsey has had so many abortions, I’m not sure if she has more ghosts writing her jokes or living inside of her womb.”
“Lindsey has fucked so many comics at the store, her vaginal walls have run out of name space.”
“Lindsey looks like Christy Mack after she speaks her mind.”
Holy shit. It was almost a perfect round. I agree with the Sklars note that she should slow down and allow her punches to hit harder. But that’s also a nod to the quality of her jokes that they hit so hard and could have had better delivery. Real tough loss for Linz. The founder of Suicide Girls, whom I wish I could have thanked in person for all those IG pages, was in the audience. That’s like one of us bombing in front of Mitzi Shore, whose ghost was probably in the room. Oh, she’s alive? Well I wouldn’t be surprised if her spirit hangs in the Belly Room on Tuesdays. The place is haunted af.
The fourth undercard found Anish Shah (1-0) overwhelming Harry Moroz (2-2)!
You know, these undercards are all about winning the crowd. Harry did his best to make sure the crowd was not on his side. Moses intro’d him as a white rapper and Harry very bluntly declined to “bust a rhyme”. I’ve always recommended against this but come on, H-Dog. That combined with your bland reasoning for wanting to battle Anish set you back before the battle even started.
HARRY ON ANISH
“Anish is recently divorced, but on the plus side his parents got back the six goats they paid for his wife.”
“Anish looks like a guy that would rape you then offer to represent you in court afterward.”
These are good jokes! If you ask me, Harry also lost it in the delivery. He’s a little too conversational for the Roast Battle stage. Anish had almost as impressive a debut as Sameer. He had one bomb but it didn’t matter. The rest of his jokes were great and had a bit of a throughline from beginning to end.
ANISH ON HARRY
“Harry’s Dad works at the Henry Ford Museum, and you can see the rest of his family at the Holocaust Museum.”
“Harry’s nose is so big he can’t see his dick, but he can smell it.”
Oh man does that last joke work on so many levels. I’d like to see Anish battle Sameer and get all of India to watch on the Periscope. Harry, maybe next time you can come off as likable up top and stand a chance in your battle. At this time, I must point out that Harry owns a better record than me and that this is just a blog. #weonlyroasttheoneswelove
And in what could end up as the greatest battle ever fought on our stage, our Hagler v. Hearns, Keith Carey (8-4) outlasted Heavy Jay Light (7-6)!
“This is like a guy with 70/30 vision versus a guy with 70/30 pants size.” – Pat Barker, whose pants can’t be that much farther off in size.
I am so proud of my friends. Keith and Jay exemplified what Roast Battle is all about. They are great comedians and good pals who absolutely demolished each other on stage. The first round was a draw which I don’t believe has ever happened. Keith ended up taking the second round and nearly took the third. Jay’s “fag-gut” joke was so good it forced a Main Event OT, something rarely seen in Roast Battle. Keith had a comeback in round three involving his own mother that was the first joke in battle history that made me leave my seat and wonder what to do with myself. The judges were fantastic. Nick Youssef was hilarious all night and held his own with the Sklars, who remain our best judges. Nick, challenge a headliner! Maybe you versus Jesus Trejo? Sarah Tiana? Hell, battle me buddy. I got a feeling you could top the headliner ranks in no time. This is for the crowd: let Jessimae Peluso make whatever fat joke she wants. Let’s get to these m’fn jokes.
JAY ON KEITH
“Keith is like a McDonalds receipt. White trash that’s covered in greasy creases.”
“Keith is putting his album on vinyl, because the only way his mom will listen is if she can use a needle.”
“Keith got abused by his white supremacist stepdad because his teeth are colored.”
“Keith doesn’t have a twitch, he’s just blinking his suicide note in Morse code.”
“Keith’s girlfriend adopted a 3-legged dog to prepare to take care of two slobbering animals with missing feet.”
“Hey Keith, blink if you miss your dad.”
“Keith’s lungs are so black, his mom fucked them for crack.Keith is an obese bisexual. You really put the “gut” in ‘faggot’.”
“Keith and I are both coming off losses. I lost my last Roast Battle; Keith lost two peanuts in his folds.” – OT joke
A lesser man might always wonder what might have been had Jay used a stronger joke in the overtime. That lesser man is me since I wonder it and Jay is at peace with the battle result.
KEITH ON JAY
“Jay is like cocaine; he’s white, he’s always at the Comedy Store, and he should stay in the green room.”
“You look like the singer of a special needs boy band.”
“I’m not saying Jay’s racist, but every time he sees his lips in the mirror he calls the police.”
“Jay played high school football. His strongest position was reverse cowgirl.”
“Jay’s part of the 1%. He’s not rich, his body is just mostly made of skim milk.”
“My mom was a whore. One time I saw her suck three dicks in one night or, as Jay calls it, ‘networking’.”
“Jay’s dream is to end up on the Comedy Store wall. It’ll come true in six months when he gives up and blows his brains out on the patio.” – OT joke
To anyone who is within a click of this post, go buy a cap and tip it to these two. I write this in awe of what I just got to review.
??????????/?????! I feel like a pulled a slot machine called Flame Emoji scale and hit the gd jackpot.
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
“Nat thinks he was the apple of his mother’s eye. Meanwhile, when he was born, the afterbirth was a wire hanger.” – Sameer on Nat
“Sameer’s asshole is like India: smelly, overcrowded, and receives AIDS from foreigners.” – Nat on Sameer
“This is like a funhouse mirror where one version has tattoos and the other one has a family that loves her.” – Patty Cake on the Jennings v. Sinclair
“Lindsey has had so many abortions, I’m not sure if she has more ghosts writing her jokes or living inside of her womb.” – Madison on Lindsey
“Harry’s nose is so big he can’t see his dick, but he can smell it.” – Anish on Harry
“Keith’s lungs are so black, his mom fucked them for crack.Keith is an obese bisexual. You really put the “gut” in ‘faggot’.” – Jay on Keith
“My mom was a whore. One time I saw her suck three dicks in one night or, as Jay calls it, ‘networking’.” – Keith on Jay
I am 100-67 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.
WRITTEN BY JOSH WALDRON