I need the photobomb skills of the guy on the top left. This pic has everything; two thumbs up from Jeff Ross, finger guns from Tony Hinchcliffe and a Hannibal Buress expression that would suggest he was asked for this pic right after getting food at a restaurant. It was one of the best judges panels we’ve ever had. It’s also always nice to see them genuinely enjoying the show. Let’s get right to biz since I still have to preview the RiotLA battles and put finishing touches on tonight’s Hella Show. What’s that? Only hottest show on a random Friday of the month, every month. It’s a hella good lineup and there’s hella no cover so come hang and support the room that supports us every Tuesday. #plugcity
In the first battle, Evan Cassidy demolished Eric Carter!
Didn’t get a pic of this match. But here’s Moses before he brought them up? This was quite the lopsided affair. Evan’s last loss had me thinking that it would be a little closer. Eric and Evan both had intro jokes and only Evan’s landed. You need to be the second introduced if you’re gonna land a good intro joke. That way the audience can see and relate to whatever you’re making fun of. Eric had one good joke. I included all of them so it could be symmetrical with all of Evan’s bangers.
ERIC ON EVAN
“Evan you like Louie CK with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.”
“Evan is terrible with women. Let me give you a little advice on how to please a woman. Kill yourself.”
“Evan’s in a band and has a music video called Pedialyte. Which is great since his comedy gives you the shits.”
“Evan looks like he jerks off to pictures on milk cartons.”
The “Louie CK” joke kinda hit. His biggest moment came when he admitted that “he done lost this one”. Evan tho. Crushed it.
EVAN ON ERIC
“You can find Eric on the dating site “OKKK Cupid.”
“The only stage Eric would ever kill on is one where Obama was speaking.”
“You can find Eric on YouTube in the comments section, misspelling the ‘n’ word.”
“If you look deep enough in the craters in Eric’s face, you’ll find life forms more intelligent than him.”
Another flawless victory for Evan. He either totally dominates or meekly loses. Keep it up bud.
???/???! Mixed scale. You all know who the poo is for.
Eric. It’s for Eric Carter.
In the second undercard, Skippy Greene was upended by the Saudi Prince!
No one saw this coming. Even Jeff Ross was skeptical. But this battle could end up as a nominee for Battle of the Year at the next Roasties. The final vote ended up being one of the closest we’ve ever had. If I could point to anything that lost it for Skip, it was that one of his jokes bombed and the Prince seemed a little looser during the battle. That’s probably due to his experience at the Haters table and upbringing around oil and intolerance,
SAUDI PRINCE ON SKIPPY
“Skippy, you look like a ventriloquist dummy that came to life and kept the hand in your ass.”
“You suck on that cigar like there’s an acting job at the end of it.”
“Your clothes are from the sixties, your act is from the forties and your moustache is from the guy who molested you in your twenties.”
“You’ve headlined so many bowling alleys that they let you keep the shoes.”
So good. It’s hard enough to roast as yourself in this environment and these two stayed true all the way through.
SKIPPY ON SAUDI PRINCE
“Let me tell ya…you have got the sex appeal of chemotherapy.”
“You got a big hook nose and you can’t write a joke. You’re what would happen if Gonzo the Muppet fucked Aziz Ansari.
“You have so many venereal diseases, your blood type is AIDS-positive. Your cum is dirtier than Flint, Michigan’s water.”
“You’re furry, you’re brown, you look like shit; you’re like Kim Kardashians taint. No wait, I take that back. Kim Kardashian’s taint has been on television.
He landed some big ones but had the one dud. Skip also tried longer jokes with two punchlines, a bold strategy. Both battlers also landed some great outro jokes set up by Jeff Ross. Really a W for everyone but Skippy.
And in the Main Event, Anna Valenzuela couldn’t keep up with Rena Hundert!
Don’t worry ladies, the All-Negro Wave would smash. I hope Moses starts asking every competitor if they would let the Wave smash. These two are friends and their energy was perfect for the show. They had a great intro!
“I’m wearing all black because it’s about to be this bitch’s funeral!” – Rena
“I’m glad she’s wearing black because it’s slimming and she needs it.” – Anna
Daaaayum! The rarely seen intro comeback! Anna had really good jokes for her second battle but that one up top might have been her best one of the match.
ANNA ON RENA
“Rena keeps warm at night by wearing her labia as a onesie.”
“Rena was a catch in Canada. They call her a “bear trap queen.”
“You look like the sluttiest girl in mime school.”
“Rena’s pussy is just like poutine; there are cheese curds, gravy, and Americans don’t want to eat it.”
“Rena is an optimist. She always keeps her chin up but she doesn’t know what to do with the other three.”
All really good jokes and way better than I could have done. But Rena, as Jeff Ross would also say, was more consistent throughout the battle.
RENA ON ANNA
“Anna looks like the reason burkas were invented.”
“Anna’s pussy is so bitter, it accused Amy Schumer of plagiarism.”
“Anna lives in NoHo, which is also the response she gets when she asks people to fuck her.”
“Anna looks like Dora the Explorer if Dora explored growing old and dying alone.”
“Anna’s face is like ISIS; dark, hairy and only attractive to the mentally unstable.”
I give props to Anna for wanting to battle the best that would accept her challenge. I give more props to Rena for winning one when nobody (just me and Anna’s friends) believed in her.
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
“Anna lives in NoHo, which is also the response she gets when she asks people to fuck her.” – Rena Hundert on Anna Valenzuela
“Rena is an optimist. She always keeps her chin up but she doesn’t know what to do with the other three.” – Anna Valenzuela on Rena Hundert
“Let me tell ya…you have got the sex appeal of chemotherapy.” – Skippy Greene on the Saudi Prince
“You suck on that cigar like there’s an acting job at the end of it.” – the Saudi Prince on Skippy
“You can find Eric on the dating site “OKKK Cupid.” – Evan Cassidy on Eric Carter
I am 86-50 in picks. I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.