A raucous crowd has piled into the Belly Room to see some verbal violence. Ramon Rivas, Mike Lawrence, Jade Catta-Preta, Aida Rodriguez and the Roast Master General Jeff Ross are all present and ready to pass judgment.
Ezekiel Echevarria is the first competitor to enter the fray, followed closely by his opponent Joseph Thorne. Joseph gives his loud jacket to Brian Moses, who’s already been clowned on for his golf pants. Moses takes the jacket off, prompting chants of, “Jacket off! Jacket off!”
The first of seven battles of the night yields little laughter from the hungry crowd. The biggest laugh comes Ezekiel’s second joke:
“Joseph’s a gay liberal and his dad’s a conservative cop. The one thing they have in common is they don’t listen to safe words while choking black men.”
Echevarria closes with an AIDS joke, sealing his victory. I wanted to root for Thorne, but he failed to connect with the crowd. The judges provide comic relief after a lackluster fight.
“As a fan of the Bible, it’s good to see Ezekiel versus Joseph and The Requiem for a Dream Coat.” – Mike Lawrence
“Joe was more consistent, but it was just, like, consistently bad.” – Ramon Rivas
“My safe word is next battle.” – Jeff Ross
We move on to see the undefeated Sarah Fatemi face off against the battle virgin Chino LaForge. Sarah goes first:
“Chino, you’re not allowed to visit Hawaii ever again because if you ever step foot there the whole island would sink to the bottom of the ocean.”
“Very brave of you to do a fat joke, very brave. Considering you’re a belly button piercing away from looking like a 90’s Troll doll.”
“Chino, you look like the kinda guy who sharts when he gets a blowjob.”
“It’s hard roasting Sarah because I look forward to seeing her face all over LA on buses and benches, promoting her newest project: real estate.”
“Chino, you look like my favorite cartoon character: Down syndrome Winnie the Pooh.”
“Oh bother. Sarah Fatemi is a twenty-four year old virgin.”
“Twenty-six? I overshot that one, she is twenty-six. In Persian that makes you thirty. Twenty-six year old virgin. She’s been saving it for the right guy, but at this point she’s just saving it for ISIS in heaven.”
This battle is more fun than the first, but just as one-sided. Chino dominates, getting a huge laugh on his simple reply to her Winnie the Pooh joke, “Oh bother.”
“Ya know, I wanted to root for Janeane Garofalopez…” – Mike Lawrence
“You’re undefeated? Who have you been battling?” – Aida Rodriguez
Chino LaForge steps on Sarah and steps into a shiny, new 1-0 record.
Next Abraham Boche comes to the stage to do battle with Steve Lee.
“Did the last two battlers have a baby?” – Mike Lawrence
“This looks like this fight already happened.” – Jeff Ross
Moses demands that as the able-bodied person, Boche goes first and we’re off:
“Steve Lee’s Chinese birth name is Sum Ting Wong Wit Him.”
“Abraham looks like every cholo who took my parking spot.”
“No wonder Steve Lee’s always so fucking angry, the mother fucker can’t masturbate. He’s gotta use a cookie roller.”
“Abraham looks like he breast feeds horchata.”
“Steve Lee is Chinese, gay and he’s crippled. It makes you wonder who the fuck he was in his past life, Genghis Khan?”
“I’m not gay. He has been sending me unsolicited dick pics. Like he told me like he was a dancer back in college… So if he had a Broadway show it would be called Cholo Nutcracker.”
Steve Lee gets a big laugh just saying that he’s not gay, while Abraham struggles after his first joke hits big.
“This is a classic battle of “Build that wall” versus “Build that ramp.” – Jeff Ross
Abraham has a fun presence, but Steve Lee walks (sorta) away with the win.
Johnny Stewart is brought to the stage next, and reveals that he and his opponent, Mia Mars, have made a bet on the battle.
“We have this bet that if I can beat her at the Roast Battle, she has to like full on make out with me onstage afterwards. Because I’m into gross chicks, I’m gonna see if I can turn this frog into a princess.” – Johnny Stewart
Mia Mars enters and explains her side of the bet. If she wins, she gets to put a collar and leash on Johnny, and he has to buy her and her friends drinks. The room is buzzing as Stewart volunteers to kick things off:
“Glad to see they’re still testing makeup on animals. That wasn’t even the joke, that was s’posed to go second. Mia Mars has a lot of spunk, it’s all in her stomach and belongs to open mikers.”
A chant of only male voices erupts, passionately proclaiming, “Get that kiss! Get that kiss!”
“Oh God no! Johnny Stewart, you have the sex appeal of a school bus fire. Which is ironically his favorite thing to masturbate to.”
“Thank you, Rage Against the Morphine.”
“You’re welcome, Pillsbury Fuckboy.”
“Mia Mars’ dad was one of the founding members of Johnny Rockets, real shit. And having sex with Mia Mars is lot like having Johnny Rockets: it might seem like a good idea at 3a.m. when nothing else is open, but trust me, when you wake up you’re gonna be sick to your stomach.”
“Didn’t you just try to get a booty call from me before this fuckin’ roast?”
“Goddamn right. This ain’t an act!”
“Johnny Stewart self-identifies as a Juggalo. Being a Juggalo is the closest thing you’re ever gonna get to being funny.”
“You look like a fuckin’ gogo dancer at the Gathering of the Juggalos, how dare you use that shit. I’m about to hit that, guys!”
“No you’re not.”
“Mia’s dad used to cheat on her mom, which is the nicest way that I can tell you that she was molested as a child.”
“Takes one to know one. My God, the only difference between you and R. Kelly is that some people still like R. Kelly.”
This battle is what I love about this show. It was high octane entertainment from the moment Johnny Stewart got onstage. The jokes were fun and personal. It was tit-for-tat, joke-for-joke, punch-for-punch a great battle.
“I love this non-union remake of The Craft.” – Jade Catta-Preta
The audience vote is too close to call, so they take a second vote. This time it’s clear that the crowd favors the mighty Mia Mars. She promptly slaps the dog collar on Johnny and drags him out of there.
Dan Madonia is called to the stage first and answers the question, “Why are you battling Steven Alan Green?”
“I thought it was David Alan Grier…”
Steven Alan Green is brought to the stage and Mike Lawrence starts in on him:
“Somewhere there’s a girl tied to the train tracks. […] He just did shrooms at Baltic Avenue.” – Mike Lawrence
Green nominates Madonia to start the battle, and he does:
“Steven Alan Green, you moldy bowl of matzo ball soup. He earned most of his fame in London, much like Jimi Hendrix. And much like Jimi Hendrix, I can wait ’til he chokes on his own vomit.”
“Dan’s mom used to be a porn star. I mean, she still has sex in front of the camera, the donkey’s the star.”
After an attempted comeback that doesn’t quite add up, Dan does his joke:
“You’re like Harvey Weinstein without the charm.”
“Dan was once arrested for indecent exposure and his favorite comic is Louis CK, so my career advice to you Dan is just keep putting it out there.”
“Steven Alan Green, I don’t know whether to roast you or have you bring my bags to my room. You look like you sell used coffins.”
“Dan looks like TJ Miller if he hit the crack pipe rather than women’s faces.”
Steven Alan Green has a nearly flawless performance, though they can’t touch the energy of the last battle. Let’s hear from our judges:
“I gotta give it to Roger Stone’s wingman.” – Ramon Rivas
“Yeah, I’m gonna go with Milton Bradley, 100%.” – Jade Catta-Preta
Green is the decisive winner, and we’re onto our last undercard of the night.
Isabella Charlton comes to the stage to battle for the first time. Lou Misiano enters with an air of superiority, shaking and kissing hands of women in the first row. Moses asks why he’s battling Isabella, and he replies:
“It’s her first time battling, so I figure I’d treat her like I’m taking her virginity. Ya know, be very gentle, tell her I love her afterwards and then never speak to her again.”
“Ah man, you were so hot before you talked.” – Jade Catta-Preta
“I was thinking the same for you actually.” – Lou Misiano
Lou proceeds to start officially start the battle:
“Isabella was almost a lawyer, which would have sucked. She’s not smart enough to pass the bar, but she’s not hot enough to dance on one either.”
Lou takes out a comb from his breast pocket and begins to smugly comb his beard as Isabella tells her first joke.
“Lou spends hours cultivating his fuckboy image, to hide the fact that he once fucked a boy.”
“Good one, Downton Shabby. Isabella went from being a lawyer to an actor to a comic. If she keeps getting more pathetic she’ll be a feminist soon. Boom!”
This gets mixed reaction from the room and judges. Lou goes about his business and begins filing his nails.
“Lou hates the fact that he’s not famous enough to be #MeToo’d and just has to regular sexual assault.”
“Sounds to me like you’re making 70% of the laughs to your male counterpart. Isabella’s father has five kids that he abandoned across the South Pacific. The good news is they all work in the same sweatshop.”
“At least my dad drinks in spite of me, not because of me.”
“The only reason I drink is to make people like you more interesting.”
“Lou has told me one day he wants to be an amazing daddy… to several women R. Kelly introduced him to.”
Isabella’s last joke may have been hurt by the fact that Mia Mars already closed her battle with an R. Kelly joke, but Misiano’s last joke straight up bombed. It’s a close contest. The judges seem to favor Isabella and Aida Rodriguez even starts a chant of “Fuck this guy! Fuck this guy!” We go to the audience to see if they appreciate Lou’s arrogant antics. The audiences chooses Lou Misiano as their king. Isabella Charlton has a great first battle, and we hope to see her return soon.
Zach Stein is welcomed to the stage by Brian Moses, and there’s a lengthy discussion about his lengthy penis. Moses poses the question as to why he’s battling Sarah Keller, and responds:
“I don’t know how many people here have received applause for saying terrible things to a woman, but ah, it’s not really the kind a thing you can just quit.”
Sarah Keller comes joins them onstage, and Zach takes first joke:
“At fourteen, Sarah dated a twenty-five year old child pornographer, and she still can’t fuck her way into a movie.”
“That’s funny coming from a guy who looks like he rubs his own tits while fucking.”
“I’m gonna try it now… Sarah used to work at Disneyland, dressing as The Little Mermaid. She was able to outshine the rest of the competition by providing her own crabs.”
“Zach’s mom is catholic, she believes Jesus died and rose again, but she doesn’t believe in Zach. Some things are just too far-fetched.”
“Sarah can sing, act, and do comedy. That’s a triple threat, if you’re not nice to her she’ll do one of those to you.”
“That’s great coming from the IT guy who thinks- who’s solution to everything is control-alt-right. Zach is so lazy he thinks using a squatty potty working out.”
“Sarah tried to overdose on Tylenol, but it just couldn’t get rid of her parent’s headache.”
“Speaking of parents, Zach’s mom used to beat him every day until he was twelve. It’s so sad, that she stopped.”
“Sarah works with horses, I just gotta say it’s so backwards you bought kill yourself pills with stable fees.”
“Zach’s ex-girlfriend tried to stab him, she thought someone in the relationship should be penetrated.”
There are audible murmurs of confusion after Zach’s last joke, but his third joke was one of the best of the night. I didn’t get the ‘stable fees’ joke until considering later while writing this. You see, she was so unstable she wanted to kill herself, but the money she used to buy the pills were from working at the stable. It’s a bad joke, and it cost Zach the battle. Sarah Keller takes the W in this one, and another night of battles is in the books. I have to say in a wild night of fights, nobody was quite able to top the battle between Johnny Stewart and Mia Mars. The Reverend Johnny Stewart may have lost, but it’s a safe bet he’ll be back with more entertaining shenanigans.
See you next Tuesday!
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