It was the best of bombs. It was the worst of bombs. Tuesday night ended up being one of the most tragic Roast Battles I’ve ever witnessed. Two promising battles ended up dropping out, and we wound up wishing the ones that did had dropped out as well. Even the battlers that have proven themselves in the past ate a whole Doritos bag of dicks. Most of the jokes that were said on Tuesday were poorly written jokes, but even the jokes that were well-written were poorly delivered. To add to the devastation of the evening, the judges were just doing their job and judging for the most part instead of roasting the crap out of the competitors. There were moments where Mike Lawrence’s presence on the panel was missed. So, let’s get into it.
The night begins with a very shirtless Josh Meyrowitz, Jamar Neighbors, and Jeff Ross accompanying Boon Shaka Laka in his ritualistic cover of Tina Turner’s “Rolling on the River”. The only difference was Ross was singing “roasting” instead of “rolling”. The performers then get everyone up to have a dance party. The audience has shaken off the stand up portion of the show and is ready to get into roasting. In the judges panel sits Eddie Ift, Bruce Jingles, and now Jeff Ross takes a seat.
The first battle between three-time battler Saul Trujillo and Roast Battle virgin (actually doing his second battle) Luke Soin begins. Host Brian Moses gets a few zingers in with a big audience reaction. Finally. The recognition he deserves. Luke goes first.
“Saul, you human beaner bag chair. I was worried about getting hungry during this roast battle but if I do, I can just grab a roll from the back of your neck. ”
“Luke looks like an improv teacher who plays feminist to rape his students.”
“Thank you, Guillermo Del Toro. Saul’s dad died of diabetes a few years ago. As you can see, Saul will probably be following in his father’s footstumps.”
“Last year Luke’s dad tragically died while driving, some say it was on the way to one of Luke’s shows– what the hell?”
There is a technical difficulty during Saul’s second joke in the form of a vintage video game sound effect that Coach T presumably played accidentally. Moses laughs then yells, “start over!”. So, Saul obliges.
“Last year Luke’s dad tragically died while driving, some say it was on the way to one of Luke’s shows, I know it was on purpose after one of Luke’s shows.”
“Man, I’d hate to have to find your clit. The only reason ICE hasn’t come to deport Saul yet is he doesn’t fit into any of the cages.”
It was mostly light laughs on these jokes overall. However, there were a lot of shocked “oohs” and maybe even a couple little pops mostly from Luke. To remind the readers of the simplicity of Roast Battle, perhaps the biggest laugh was just Luke calling Saul Guillermo Del Toro. While the judges do what they do best, Eddie Ifft makes a note that “because [Coach T] fucked it up, it worked.” Our Disc Jockey’s mistake actually created a big laugh for Saul when he started over and when he finished. One that may or may not have not been there. The interesting thing here to note is that if you analyze the history of Roast Battle, any time someone fumbles on their joke and tries to start over, it almost never works. However, if it is not the Battler’s fault, and they start over, the crowd seems to eat it up. Perhaps it is not as simple as that. Although, I found it to be an important observation to take note of. Anyhoo, the audience gives Luke his very first victory.
Next up, Rebecca Rush (4-2) comes strutting out first with what could be perceived as either cool confidence or heroine low energy. Drag King Mia Mars (5-5) comes up next “Monster Mash” in what could be described as a crazy scientist outfit. She looked like her DeLorean just got a speeding ticket for going 1.21 gigawatts. Moses, expecting an explanation about why she made that choice, asks, “Mia. What gives?”. She just replies, “It’s Rosh Hashanah.” At first, the audience might have thought that the costume was a burn of Rebecca, or that Mia was creating a whole new character to introduce to the Roast Battle world. However, this answer left them confused. The Saudi Prince is to the rescue:
“I personally think anybody that has to hide behind a costume and a wig is a coward. But, that’s just me.”
On that note, Rebecca goes first.
“This is so unfair. I agreed to roast Mia, not the uncle that molested her.”
It seems Rebecca is thrown off her game. Possibly afraid that her jokes won’t work as well or at all, she asks that Mia take off the costume. What could have turned into competitive game playing or an opportunity to roast Rebecca, turned into Mia outsourcing her authority to her opponent. She obliges and begins undressing out of her costume choice, which only distracts her from her own jokes. Rebecca begins.
“Mia looks like a raccoon who sucks dick for garbage.”
“The only job you’re qualified for is a nose job. At least you’re the prettiest waitress at Olive Garden.”
“I actually have sex for money. Which means one of us has a relationship with your dad. Mia’s Dad is dying of pancreatic cancer, which means you can finally see the family resemblance.”
“But when he dies, I will make more money than you will. Your roots are so dark, they’re darker than my outlook on life.”
“Mia was once arrested and the police took her magic mushrooms, which sucks because she won’t become full size again until she eats one.”
“Yeah? And you look like cat piss. At least Rebecca, you’re a good person. Homeless people seek solace under your boobs.”
This was one of the most uncomfortable battles I have ever seen. Mia basically gives up halfway through and ends up complimenting Rebecca on her awesome rack, while Rebecca destroyed throughout. It just wasn’t Mia’s night. Jeff now introduces Ari Shaffir and Tony Hinchcliffe, who have taken seats at the panel to weigh in on what happened.
“Mia, I loved how you weren’t bogged down by trying to be funny.” – Ari Shaffir
“Rebecca, what’s up with you?” – Jeff Ross
“I just had a bad day. I have my period, and I always win when I have my period.” – Rebecca
“There will be blood indeed.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
Rebecca obviously takes the win, but we all hope Mia returns.
Up next, Ryan Nesen (5-0) and Caesar Lizardo (10-9) are brought up to go joke for joke.
“Fun fact, Caesar got his name, because he was conceived in Rome, while his mom was getting stabbed from behind by multiple men.”
“Ryan, you look silly in all that denim. You look like an undercover cop who’s investigating how he got me too’d. OK better yet, you look like you’re playing an undercover cop in a movie about how you got your cocaine stolen called 21 Bump Street.”
“Thank you, Sammy Soso. Caesar’s approach to raising his daughter is the same as his approach to dating. Feed an underage girl from a bottle until she passes out, and then get her to bed without her throwing up.”
“This coming from a guy who’s idea of romance is proposing to his girlfriend in between keg stands. Ryan’s from Simi Valley but he’s not that racist, he only calls Asian people the N word and that’s only when he’s sitting in traffic.”
“Good one, Puff (Not fit to be a) Daddy. Caesar is a broke bartender. The last time he had 2 gs is when someone spray painted the N word on his car.”
“Ryan is a frat boy and a fuck boy, and boy are his lawyers tired. He got a dui two weeks after his dad died, because he wasn’t quite done disappointing him yet. Then his mom took over their optical shop, which is ironic, cuz she still can’t see what a piece of shit Ryan is. Last year he made a bunch of money scamming people online. You may call him an asshole, but as a Jew it’s his birthright.”
Coach T now starts playing “Say Something” by A Great Big World. Unable to accept how badly he was bombing, he continued. It felt like he was under the impression that the rules were you just kept telling jokes until one of them hit. Was he writing Ryan’s memoir? He continues.
tu, Coach? Ryan used to box and do Krav Maga, so I guess you could say he’s a Jewish Street Fighter, or HAJEWKEN!”
This was just not Caesar’s night. Practically none of his jokes even moved the needle. At one point in the battle, he mentioned that the audience hated him. It’s true. They did! Ryan didn’t do much better, but at least they laughed. This audience seems tapped out, but they give the win to Ryan.
Everyone does everything they can to try to get the audience engaged again for the main event. Billy Anderson (6-3) is brought up first. When Moses asked him why he is battling, the very present Billy Anderson says, “I wanted to give Mia’s dad and Caesar’s kid someone to be proud of.” Ari Shaffir, who wants a piece of Billy, asks “Are you gay or are you just trying?”. Billy responded coyly with, “Whatever you want me to be, daddy.” Julian (7-6) then comes up to the stage and the judges have some fun as well, calling him “Jackie from Roseanne.” Julian goes first.
“I was surprised Billy was free to battle. Normally he’s busy working the road, producing shows, or keeping kids from stealing his lucky charms!”
“Julian recently said gave up on dating apps and uninstalled them, which is like the dating equivalent of saying ‘Hey! Women of Los Angeles! You can’t fire me, I quit!'”
“Thank you, deflated Chaz Bono. You look like the one son Mumford didn’t want.”
“Julian goes by they/them pronouns, is racially ambiguous, and has that stupid haircut. Julian looks like the final boss in a video game where the player ONLY fights baristas.”
Julian and Billy share a fun back and forth here. Julian references how long Billy’s joke was.
“A little longer.”
“That’s what women typically say to you.”
“Billy never finished high school, but he does finish IN High Schoolers!”
“Julian is actually Mexican-American, and in the proud history of the Mexican luchador, Julian has been wrestling with his sexuality for years.”
“Thank you, Frodo Faggins. Billy lives with his ex GF, which is great cause now he KNOWS she’s fucking other dudes.”
“Julian has attempted to kill themselves three times and always fails at it. It’s like YEESH, what job WON’T you Mexicans half-ass?”
“You look like Marty McFly if he went back in time TO fuck his mom!”
Overall, Julian’s jokes played better with the audience than Billy’s did. It became clear that Billy’s real abilities are with his rebuttals and off-the-cuff abilities. He received his biggest laughs when he was completely in the moment. This audience was pretty tapped out for this battle, but the two sluggers stuck it out. Julian takes home another win and the audience finally gets to go home.
That’s all, folks. See you next week.