It was an electric night as we celebrated the high holiday in true roast battle style, with solid word play and sick burns. Judging the night’s carnage was Harrison Greenbaum, Ian Edwards, Jeff Ross and Don Barris.
First up was a virgin suicide featuring old friends Frank Martinez versus “Spicy” Gil Fierro. Frank volunteers to start us off.
“Gil, you look like the Mexicans you pick up and deport after fucking them.”
“I’m liking your new look. I’m just a little confused, what gender are you going for now?”
“Gil, you have the attitude of a gay man and the body of the priest that made you that way.”
“It’s nice to know you have options in the entertainment industry. So when do you start as the bearded lady again.”
“Gil’s nickname is Spicy. The only thing spicy about you is the gonorrhea dick you force-feed your boyfriend.”
“Your podcast title reminds me a lot of your existence: ‘Completely Useless’.”
“No one knows my podcast, stupid.”
This was a rough start to the evening, but the audience was hungry for it. Gil had some decent joke ideas, but he phrased them all in question form, which is lazy writing, and rarely works unless it’s some sort of misdirect. Frank got a good pop with the tried and true “priest/pedophile” angle and then got a huge hit with the “podcast” rebuttal, which was the best part of the battle, and was enough to clinch him his first roast battle win.
Next up we had Nate Welch taking on Paulina Combow. Nate is brought to the stage first and the judges immediately launch into commentary on his American History X looks. Paulina prances to the stage, immediately earning the room’s favor with her adorable smile and unassuming posture, which starkly contrasts Nate’s “bouncer at a Klan meeting” vibe. Paulina wants it first.
“Nate survived a tough childhood and Hurricane Katrina, but not male pattern baldness. He looks like Mr. Clean… your plate.”
“Paulina look like that bitch in Frozen got hooked on heroin… she just can’t ‘Let It Go’.”
At this point Nate gets an assist from the incomparable Coach T playing “Let it Go” which leads to an audience sing-a-long. Anytime a battler can get an audience chant or sing-a-long, it’s usually the kiss of death for their opponent. Paulina takes her shot.
“If Nate’s here, who is guarding the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral? That’s what I want to know.”
“That was a pretty good one Gwen Stefugly… you ain’t no Hollaback girl, cuz you ain’t got no back to holla at. You built like a piece of plywood with a FUPA.”
“Are you done minimum wagin Cajun? As an actor, Nate gets typecast as Type 2 diabetes. I’d say bless your heart, but it could explode any second.”
“Paulina’s pretty attractive…If you’re attracted to “A” cups, morning breath, and Peyton Manning’s forehead.”
Paulina’s first joke fell flat, but she garnered some strength back with the “Mr. Clean your plate” name-call. This audience LOVED silly jokes, wordplay, and puns. Nate hit back HARD with the Frozen joke, and landed another uppercut with the “Let It Go” tag. His casual delivery perfectly played off the cruelty of the judge, he somehow managed to look like he does and not come across menacing or angry, which is impressive. Paulina tried to get some of the momentum back with the Golden Corral joke, but she was shaken by Nate’s early triumph and she added extra words to her joke, which is a very common thing when battlers get nervous. Nate gets another huge pop with the “Gwen Stefugly” comeback which prompts another chant from the audience, and he followed it up with yet another haymaker with “no back to holla at.” It’s extremely hard to follow a huge hit with another huge hit, but Nate keeps doing it. Paulina gets a good hit with another pun, and the following joke. Nate’s last joke falls a little flat, but not enough to affect his huge lead. They both receive high praise from Jeff and the rest of the judges. “Don Barris’s long lost son” sweeps the judges and the audience vote garnering him his second win and he’s officially on a winning streak.
Next up we had Sarah Fatemi taking on Deirdre Devlin. Sarah is brought to the stage first and is asked why she’s battling, she responds with, “Honestly, I just wanted to battle someone beautiful, talented and kind…but Robyn Blake had to pull out at the last minute so I got stuck with Deirdre.” Deirdre joins the stage and answers the same question with, “Well, I usually don’t eat pork but every once and a while I like to do a pig roast.” Deirdre is hungry to start us off.
“Sarah, how do you look pregnant, and have a dad bod at the same time?”
“That’s rich coming from someone who’s only hot from the waist down.”
“Thank you Danielle Devito.”
“Guys, Deirdre writes for the show Robot Chicken, which is just how she sounds when she cums.”
“Sarah, you’re so colorful and sweet, your’re like an orange Starburst…no one wants to eat you.”
“Thank you Kelly Ann Cunt-way. Guys, Deirdre loves older men, they’re the only ones who can’t feel their scrotums get stuck between her big-ass teeth.”
“This is true: Sarah is a 27-year-old virgin who lost an ovary last year. Not even her organs want to be inside her.”
“Okay, how much chuck could a woodchuck fuck her way into the writer’s room? Deirdre, you’re like if a yeast infection was a person. You’re white, you smell disgusting, and girls are always itching to get you out of their underwear.”
This was a great battle between two very funny women. Sarah keeps improving every time she comes back, learning from her mistakes and triumphs, which is how you become a great battler. Deirdre’s first joke fell into the question-form style like we saw in the first battle, but it had the unexpected ending that makes it palatable. Sarah’s “Robot Chicken” joke explodes the room. Deirdre hits back with the Starburst joke, and at first, it seems like it’s not going to work, but then she clinches it with the surprise punchline and the audience goes insane yet again, prompting an “orange Starburst” chant. At this point it’s a neck and neck battle. Clearly, these two women are evenly matched and are in for a helluva fight. Sarah continues the carnage with her “scrotum” joke that garners as many “ews” as it does laughs from the crowd. Deirdre doesn’t sleep and hits her hard with the “virgin” joke, at first the audience feels sad for Sarah’s health issues, but in true roast battle crowd form they quickly turn on her for a good joke. Sarah hits Deirdre with an uppercut with the “woodchuck” joke, which was the best joke of the night, and one of my personal favorites of all time. The judges are in agreement and all give the slight edge to Sarah, but compliment both women on their performances. The audience agrees and Sarah wins again.
Next up we had Bear Badeaux versus Digits. Bear is brought to the stage first and asked why, which he says, “Digits and I actually have a lot in common, my people have mowed down a lot of his people and his people have mowed a lot of my lawns.” This is met with a lukewarm response from the audience. Digits is brought to the stage and answers the “why battle?” question in the most Digits way possible with, “Bear is from the south, I am also from the south. South California,” which he says with a tone that implies he’s just said the most prolific, shocking, hilarious joke of all time, this makes everyone in the room go “what the fuck?” and laugh. Bear volunteers to take it first.
“Digits likes to act like a gangsta cuz he’s had a ‘hard’ life. You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, Digits probably picked ’em.”
“Thank you Theo Von Foxworthy, you might be a redneck if you have that haircut. Yo, this guy thinks he’s so tough because his name is Bear, see in Louisiana bear is a tough, intimidating name, but over here in West Hollywood, bear is just another name for a gay, fat hairy guy.”
“Thank you very much Flash Gordita, you pace around like you have a bladder infection, you should get that checked out man. Digits, Digits, Digits. Here’s the thing about Digits, he likes to roofies girls on dates, not to rape them, but so they don’t see him use his EBT card.”
“Hey thanks for giving us a fun fact about you. You know this fool is an actor but this dude is so short they only give him small roles in short films.”
“Thank you very much Puddle of Modelo. Digits is not a comedian, but a rapper. It’s a beautiful thing that he’s a rapper cuz if he didn’t wrap up, every girl he knows would have gonorrhea”
This was wild. Bear came with some decent jokes, but they weren’t enough to combat Digit’s crazy persona. Despite not having any real, good jokes, Digit’s hilarious punctuation of his insults by taking a knee and posing for an invisible camera makes the audience laugh every single time. This dude could literally say anything and the audience would laugh because he’s so unpredictable and random. The judges weigh in on the weirdness of the battle, Harrison summed it up by saying, “This was like watching the special olympics, none of them really won, but one of you got over the finish line by accident.” Don perfectly sums up Digits by saying, “I think you’re hilarious, but I don’t think you know why.” Digits’s weird antics get him another W.
It’s been a wild night and it was finally time for the main event. Moses brings Kelsey to the stage first and she’s extra giggly and excited tonight. When asked “why” she responds with, “He’s literally the best battler in the game, but he sent me a blurry dick pic once,” which gets a loud “what?” from the audience. Joe is brought to the stage and Jeff asks “who challenged who?” prompting Moses to hit with, “Don’t say challenged,” and the audience is ready for this fight. Kelsey wants it first.
“Joe looks like Pete Davidson if someone threw him in a microwave.”
“Kelsey’s bisexual, which is her way of saying she’s bad at softball.”
“Half of you are laughing at his joke. The rest of you are laughing at the way he talked and that’s just not cool. You might recognize Joe if you’ve ever taken out the trash at a Planned Parenthood.”
“Two things you can’t afford. Kelsey’s so broke that the only bread she makes is from her yeast infections.”
“I do get chronic yeast infections, you guys don’t get it. Fuck you for having a dick! Joe may have a great poker face, but unfortunately was never dealt a good hand.”
“I can tell you’re not fully gay, because your eyebrows look like I drew them.”
“Joe beats women. If he doesn’t, tell me why are his fists always clenched to me.”
“Wow, that one kind of slipped through your fingers. Kelsey likes to peg guys because it reminds her of all the times she helped her junkie father with a needle.”
“Joe tried to murder himself after his parents gave him up for adoption. But much like his parents, even God didn’t want him.”
“Kelsey has been friendzoned by so many women, she’s a lesbi-incel.”
Now that was a fucking battle. Great back and forth, very evenly matched throughout. Kelsey made a risky choice volunteering to go first, and she didn’t get the reaction she deserved from the “Pete Davidson” joke. Joe capitalized and garnered an early lead. Kelsey hits back hard and it’s back to anyone’s battle. Joe’s “yeast infection” joke does okay, but Kelsey’s manic energy and weird confession make the audience a little uncomfortable and they aren’t able to enjoy the brilliance of the “poker” joke. Joe sees his opportunity to pounce and hits her hard with the “eyebrow” joke, exploding the room. Kelsey falters and stumbles through her next joke, which was a great joke, but her misstep furthers Joe’s lead. His “slipped through your fingers” riff is brilliant and shows why Joe is one of the best in the game. Kelsey is unable to come back and Joe lands the killshot with “lesbi-incel”. The judges all vote for Joe, but compliment Kelsey’s joke writing and most agree it was evenly matched for the first three jokes. Ian says to Kelsey, “I don’t know how you lost to a guy I can’t understand, but you did.” With that, Joe adds another victory to his belt and we conclude another fantastic night at Roast Battle.