Ah, the calm before the storm. Couple people lounging in the front bar. Comedy Central or ESPN on the TV, barely audible. I love the image the marquee is putting out right now. Insert Comic Here, kinda. But on any given night, the comics inserted there can be the biggest in the world. Chris D’Elia, Hannibal Buress. Bill Burr. Chappelle pops in every now and again. The best headliners in the country are always here, just cruising the halls, waiting for their spot.
That’s some Saturday Night Fire but that’s every night tho. And it’s not just the names that’ll get you going. There are a ton of independently produced shows that feature some of the best names you don’t know. The Hella Show. Brian Monarch’s shows. The One Dollar Show. Comedy Store LIVE with TJD. The C Word. Laff Mobb on Sunset. Crack Em Up Thursday. The walls bleed comedy. Do join us. Not just for the Roast Battle, but come on down every day of the week, any time from 8-1 really. You’re gonna like the way you laugh. I guarantee it.
We have an all-star lineup of brand new judges and some sick previews bruh!
Excited to finally have Adam Ray judging! He is one of this writer’s favorite comics to watch. You can catch him on @midnight, Adam Devine’s House Party, the movie The Heat, at the Laugh Factory, Comedy Store and Improv. Seriously the only place he hasn’t been is the Roast Battle. Idk why but his voice and hair remind me of every Nickelodeon non-cartoon from 96-99.
Now let’s welcome Brad Williams to the mix! Brad is a super funny comedian and a super nice dude. He’s also Adam’s best friend and co-host of the wildly entertaining About Last Night podcast, which you should be subscribing to this second. Brad is great on Twitter and has a real appreciation for the craft of joke-writing so his judging should be on point.
And now we welcome Fahim Anwar to The Balcony! Fahim is another great comedian and an really nice guy. I know I’ve written that about everyone so far but these judges are great dudes. And really successful. Hmm. Maybe being nice has helped them. Fahim is all over MTV and Comedy Central but he kind of looks like Cory Matthews if it was called “Boy Meets Middle East”.
We have three undercards before our Main Event tonight! Not sure the order so I’ll start with…Sean Leary (0-0, UR) taking on Matthew Broussard (0-0, UR)!
Ladies and Gentlemen, our first ever White Privilege Battle! These two are good buddies of mine and very funny comedians. Matthew has a show on MTV2 coming out this summer and web site called Monday Punday that’s a self-explanatory waste of time. I could never tell if he liked me or not. He’s so fake store mannequins wonder how they’d look in his clothes. Sean? That’s my Sugar Sean. Runs one of the hottest shows in town called Free Parking that you should catch on a Thursday on Culver City. I’m going Sean here in what should be a bloodbath. Also…
I GOT NEXT.
That’s right. I’m calling out the winner of this Battle to step in the ring with me in July! I just hope there’s some left of one of them for me to roast.
Our next undercard has Chaunte Wayans (0-0, UR) going against Daphnique Springs ( ?-?, ?)!
ANOTHER WAYANS. Death, taxes and the Wayans are the only sure things in life. I thought all famous entertainment families just bowed to the Kardashians now? Anyway, we’re happy to have ya CW. Daphnique is a funny comedian. She Periscopes A LOT. This picture is from some TV show. And word on the street is she beat Janel Santa Cruz (0-2, 94) but who hasn’t. I’ll go with the experience over the Wayans brand and pick Daphnique.
Our third undercard of the night pits Phenom Brown (0-0, UR) against Ashley Barnhill (4-0, ?)!
This is the only known picture of Phenom Brown known to exist. Could not find this person on the interweb. So good luck Ashley, you’ll be roasting a sunset. Ashley is starting a residency of sorts here at the Battle. She’ll be doing undercards for a few weeks before another big Main Event. Which means no one is safe. It’s only a matter of time before Ashley roasts us all. The pick is Ash, obvs.
Our Main Event is quite the dandy as we have Frank Castillo (6-2, 7) versus Jerron Horton (3-2, 15)!
Oh man this should be hot fire. Comedy Store employee Battles are often the best. These two are great comedians and friends of mine. Frank was ranked 2 for a long time before succumbing to Jay Light (6-3, 6). He’s like a Mexican version of both Sloth and Chunk from “The Goonies”. JOSH LOVE
CHUNK FRANK. What’s going on in Jerron’s pic? Looks like D.L. Hughley if D.L. stood for Dick Lover. And there’s a lot of Korean Chinese idk which Asian writing in the back. I really don’t know who to pick. Frank embodies Roast Battle, having the great record and being a part of The Wave. Jerron is an excellent joke writer and has written for The Roastmaster himself. I’ll pick Jerron. He’s bided his time since his last Battle and I think will come out swinging.
I am 29-20 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.