Woo! I’m back covering America’s next sport to be mired in controversy, Roast Battle! Shout to Jay Light and his stellar writing last week. Shout out to all of you for reading and voting. Shout out to all our winners! Check out the article here then come back and get ready for a whole new year of roasting.
Before we get to the previews bruh, one more shout out and congratulations to UK’s Jimmy Carr!
He is the first champion of the Roastmaster’s Invitational, an international roasting competition at the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal. Sweet hat Jeff? Jimmy bested our own Matthew Broussard (0-1, 78) in what I’m told was a fantastic, very wordy final battle. Jimmy probably won by hacking into Matt’s robot mainframe and disable his humor drives. I spoke to Matthew about it the other night. He seemed more broken up by the lack of Disney songs available for karaoke then his high-profile loss. I look forward to Matt’s next battle as well as watching the fame, money and womens pile up for Mr. Carr.
I don’t know if I’ve been this excited for a judge ever. Andrew is a super funny dude on and off stage and looks like Bill Burr fathered a child with a bottle of Fireball Whiskey. He just recorded his first comedy album for Comedy Central so be on the lookout for that. He used to be on a show called Mixology which has been canceled because apparently you can’t be a judge until you’ve had one show canceled. He was the eighth billed actor on the show in case you thought it was like “his” show.
In the first of a few judging newbies, we have Joe Bartnick! Joe is a really funny comic and nice person. I’ve had the pleasure of producing shows he made his way on to and he delivered every time. He dresses like every assistant manager from a Kohl’s. I think Joe lost a bet and isn’t allowed to dress in a style past 1989. He goes on the road with Bill Burr and Lisa Lampanelli. You can check more of Joe, his comedy and love for hockey here.
Now we welcome Cort McCown to the judges table! I think Cort came out of the womb with salt and pepper hair. Cort’s a super funny dude. He’s a paid regular. He made his showbiz debut with an uncredited role in Teen Wolf. Uncredited means we don’t know if it’s real. He’s been on scattered TV shows since then including two soap operas because of course he has. He does a lot for Playboy radio and tours all over. Check out his podcast with Joe Bartnick here.
Let’s welcome Jerry Minor to the balcony! Jerry is a bit of a Hollywood “that guy”. He’s been a side character or cartoon most of his time in the biz. He plays “Denzel” in Daniel Tosh’s cartoon Brickleberry, which is very funny. You know you’ve seen him but you don’t know his name. The impact he leaves can be very “minor”. #booooom
Our first undercard of the evening has Eric Bustamante (0-0, UR) versus Matthew Robinson!
Both of these guys just look like they’re just rando white guys but dig a little deeper and you’ll see that they’re just rando brown guys. Eric hosts a show at Flapper’s called #ThrowbackThursday and a show called Roast Beef Battle so you know his comedic integrity is fully intact. Matthew’s last tweet was an attempted roast joke on Eric that he had to explain in a hashtag in the same tweet. Look for the easy win from Eric.
Our next undercard has Johan Miranda (0-0, UR) against Rasheed Stephens (0-1, 102)!
This will be another battle with a style clash. Johan is a chill dude with confident delivery. Rasheed is a confident dude with a…delivery. On paper, you would think Rasheed would win this handily but he did not impress in his last battle. He doesn’t even have a Twitter! Maybe Johan is doing what Eric is doing; pick a tomato can you know you can beat and start your roast career with a W. I did the same with Aaron Michael Marsh (0-1, 82). The pick has to be Johan.
Our final undercard of the evening has Jeanne Whitney (1-0, 55) going against Richard Pires (0-0, UR)!
Fun pics for these two! Jeanne is using anal beads the wrong way and Richard looks like his League of Legends account just got deleted. Richard is an actor and wrote a book which might explain why he looks so unfulfilled. Jeanne was great in her first battle. I’ve actually seen her more around the scene since her victory at open mics and shows and such. That leads me to believe she’s getting better while Richard leads me to believe the delivery driver forgot his two liter of Coke. Going with Jeanne here.
And in our Main Event, we have Tre Stewart (2-3, 21) versus Stuart Thompson (3-1, 6)!
Technically, this is still a Comedy Store employee battle even though Tre was “let go” for “less than reputable acts performed with a female” on the premises. I think he swooped Josh Martin’s (0-1, 104) lady that night. I bet if you asked Tre or Josh about it they’d be happy to tell you the story. Definitely ask Josh. This should be a hot affair. Stuart’s only loss came at the hands of battle veteran Rich Slaton. He has crushed everyone with the calm, cool demeanor you can expect for C-3P0′s adopted son. Tre was questioned the ranks and his last loss consistently since the debut of the report. If you ever ask Tre Stewart the question…”Who’s at fault here?”..his answer will never be Tre Stewart. This should be an excellent battle that could go 4 rounds. I’ll pick Stuart here.
I am 43-24 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.