Oh yeah. Look at that crowd. In the middle of Roast Battle fans is top ranked roaster Alex Hooper (6-0). Just taking it in. You don’t see LeBron just watching other games. In like the 30th row. But that’s how powerful this show is. It’s can’t miss. Artie Lange shaved. Iliza’s Schlesinger’s dog and sister made appearances, the latter tickling the fancy of one Brian mothafuckin’ Moses. The undercard between Guam Felix (2-0) and Rasheed Stephens (0-1) was pleasant. Nothing stuck out a whole lot but it was a nice appetizer. I may just be bitter that this was my first “L” in the picks but that’s a huge maybe. Jeff Ross graced us with a little standup, which is another great reason to come early #OnATuesday. The standup showcase before the show puts up some of the best hand picked young comedians in the scene. Sometimes headlined but some of the biggest names in the biz. But enough chit-chat? You ready to talk battle? Well…#LETSROAST.
Also…look at these new photes. Shout out to Troy Conrad who just happened to be in town snappin photes. Gorj photes, that is. Follow him @troyconrad on twitter and @troyconrads on IG.
Our first Main Event was Jake Adams (1-1) vs. Evan Cassidy (1-1)
Loved this battle. Good energy. Good jokes. I didn’t see Jake’s first battle but he had a great showing tonight. Evan had the misfortune of rising Roast Battle star Keith Carey (2-0) but I was a fan of his then and even more now. The House Haterz were on point tonight. Earl was involved in a lot of big laughs and Whit snuck in a chimp joke, which is classic her.
We seemed to go back to the traditional judging this week and Evan received 2 out of 3 judge votes. Jake had a meh 1st/3rd joke but his mid joke salvaged the round for him, and could possibly earn him judge’s JOTN.
“On his web site, Evan claims his motto is “YOLO” but for him it means “You’ll Only Laugh Once.’-Jake Adams, Main Event, first round
Evan started with some solid nose/jew jokes related to Jake’s heritage/physical appearance. His second joke mentioned the Holocaust, which can be risky as acknowledged by the Roastmaster, but hit. The final two jokes from both battlers in the first round fell a little flat but Artie and Jeff saved the energy with some #zings.
The second round was a little clunky. Evidenced by Iliza, Jeff, and Artie forgetting who was who. Jake had a solid Mike/Molly joke on Evan but that was probably the highlight of the 2nd round, other than Earl crushing it. Ross and Iliza voted Jake, leaving Rell to wonder why Jake hates the country of Ethiopia. The third round went back to tit for tat and Evan wrapped it up from there. He had a writer’s JOTN nominee as well.
“Jake’s nose makes him look like a toucan. Except instead of cereal it’s gold he’s obsessed with finding.”-Evan Cassidy, round 3, Main Event.
Ross thought Jake had the better jokes overall, but Iliza and Rell voted Evan, making him the winner and bringing his record to .500!
I give this battle ????/?????.
Next on the fight card was Omid Singh (3-3) vs Jason Van Glass (0-2)
Now this battle had the laughs/drama I was promising you the other day. We had battler/judge fights. Artie Lange swinging and missing. Jeff Ross owning souls. Hey real quick…I like to pretend that one of the battlers earns Joke of the Night at all the battles, but let’s be real. Jeff Ross could win it every Tuesday. Spot-on live roasts of the battlers. The only one in the room who could Moses and Battle in their places. Moses crushes them zings too tho. Omid is ISIS and JVG is LBGT? So good.
Anywho…Omid slayed the first round. All three jokes hit and had their own flair. It’s easy to go for the low hanging fruit in Roast Battle, and hammer home the obvious, but Omid covered a lot of Jason Van ground. Jason disappointed a bit. His jokes didn’t land that hard and had a weird back and forth with Iliza. He held his own with her and these are all jokes but there was some awkwardness for sure.
Omid handily won the second round and due to time constraints, a third round was not necessary. Ross and Iliza crushed JVG a little more. “You look like Aryan Moshe Kasher” probably should have gotten more love but sometimes you gotta bat for contact. Omid had a ton of great jokes and deservedly won.
I give this battle ???/?????.
And headlining this mega Main Event night is Kim Congdon (4-0) vs Dave Gregory (0-1)
Our final battle had an opener! Roast Battle favorite, Pat Regan, swooned us all with a heartwarming tale about a churro man. Hope you’re still alive churro man! Moses and Rell dubbed Kim the “Ronda Rousey” of Roast Battle and if that’s the case then Dave is the “Kimbo Slice of Pizza” of the Roast Battle. This was a fun because Kim and Dave seemed like they were friends while Moses was asking about why they were battling in the first place. And that’s key to a good Roast Battle. Because we only roast the ones we love, right?
The first round went to Kim. Rell voted for Dave. Ross voted for Kim but really supported Dave. Iliza critiqued the fuck out of both of them but ultimately voted for Kim. I liked Iliza’s feedback. She was mostly right. She just had the tone of a hungover substitute teacher who doesn’t even like kids. Charming lady, however, Make sure to check out both her Netflix specials, “War Paint” and the recently released “Freezing Hot”! Kim had stronger jokes than Dave but Dave came out ON FIRE with his first joke, a JOTN nominee.
“Kim has lost a lot of weight recently. 22 pounds. Funny, I didn’t know abortions weighed that much.”-Dave Gregory, first round, main event
He followed that up with some good “your dad doesn’t love you” jokes that when typed out don’t read that funny but I assure you they were. Jeff, once again, did not disappoint with mid jokes, claiming both battlers were funny but had undersized tits. #Gold. Artie also snuck in some zings on Dave and Kim but clammed up after Kim CRUSHED him with a comeback. The second round went to Kim after Dave’s jokes tailed off a bit. Kim had a JOTN nominee herself.
There was a little controversh. Iliza voted strangely and thought everyone was hatin. Moses also took this time to remind everyone Sister Schles is a total babe. We had a third round but it was a bit of a foregone conclusion. His jokes worsened at the end of the second round and didn’t get better in the third. Kim had another crusher about Dave needing to get his sushi from Seaworld. #Gold. Either Ross or Moses followed that up by calling him #Blackfish. #Gold. So Kim won. Deservedly. She’s the 4th overall rank now. And the highest ranking lady.
I give this battle ????/?????.
Judge’s Joke of the Night
“On his web site, Evan claims his motto is “YOLO” but for him it means “You’ll Only Laugh Once.”-Jake Adams, Main Event first round.
Writer’s Joke of the Night
“Dave has never had any problems with the police and he still can’t breathe”-Kim Congdon, Main Event second round.
Last thing…if Princess Kim is the Ronda Rousey…what does that make Sarah Tiana(3-0)? The fellow undefeated roaster was just pushed out of the top 5 by Kim herself.I am 5-1 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.