Hey congrats to Caitlyn Jenner! Anyone should be allowed to feel as comfortable as they want. BUT THERE WILL BE BAD JOKES. But you know what’s worse than bad jokes? Nose-lifters who shame jokes. If someone wants to make a bad CJ joke? Let em. If someone wants to make a great, smart CJ joke? YES.
“But Josh…you write for the insult dojo known as the Roast Battle! Offensive jokes are commonplace!”-you after reading that.
But I am also a comedian. And consumer of humor. There are crazy amounts of support out there for her. This writer is excited for her. But stuff is funny. If Jessica Lange can have a laugh about this, then we can all have a laugh about this.
Pretty sweet right? We love this. We would roast the world if could. And we will. Vancouver. Louisiana. NYC. Texas. And they making money whattt? We’re trying to take our dog and pony show on the road but there’s some speed bumps. Not sure I’m the guy to explain it so here’s a fun unrelated story.
Remember the little red hen? She wanted to bake a cake. But none of the other animals would help! Well this time…the other animals learned their lesson.They all want to help. There’s an All-Cake Wave to help stir the pot. Some Cake Haters to make sure only Angel Food cake is used. They are very important to the process of the cake. But out of nowhere…another hen shows up! She does not want to help but wants to make money from taking the cake to TV and NYC. The little red hen wants to negotiate but the second hen went behind all the animals backs and convinced the Cake Guild it was all her idea. Now the little red hen has a sweet cake but no next move with it. Fun story right? Hen #2 seems like a real treat.
“Josh, does that have any resemblance to real-life events?”-you after reading that.
To which I would reply…
“The events depicted in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.”
But feel free to interpret the story any way you please. Know what’s not fictitious? These previews. Bruh.
Did Howie Mandel get stung by a bee? Nah Jeff is a handsome lad. Shout out to the Great Photog. He did everything he could here. Jeff recently pulled a Johnny Cash and performed for some inmates. He’s releasing the recordings of him and his opener. It’ll be called “Folsom Prison Jews”.
Oh cool. Matt Edgar grew a foot and got sponsored by Billabong. Seriously, did Mark Normand finally hit his growth spurt? Jeff is funny. He was a finalist on Last Comic Standing. For those who don’t know, “finalist” is Latin for “not the winner”. Congrats man! He’s also the lead in a Dierks Bentley music video. For those who don’t hit their spouse or own a vehicle with a truck bed, that’s a country song. (EDITOR’S NOTE: THE WRITER ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES COUNTRY MUSIC. THAT JOKE NEEDED TO BE MADE. ALSO THE VIDEO/SONG IS RIDIC.)
Woo! Super stoked for Fitzdog. Greg was one of the first comedians I saw when a young Report writer discovered Comedy Central Presents. He has a book, a podcast, a radio show. There are so many ways to experience Greg’s comedy and then be stunned at how short he is. Looking forward to it! Seriously he is half of Jeff Dye height-wise. And a third of Jeff Ross weight-wise.
Now for three previews?
We have Jordan Leer (0-0, UR) taking on RAAB (0-0, UR)!
Omg. The level of douchebaggery in these undercards is off the charts. Look at Jordan, on the left. I vommed a little. Thing is? I bet he loves that pic. Gets him on those guts bruh! It got like 78 likes. Psh. I wouldn’t feed 78 likes to my dog. And then there’s RAAB. He looks like he got lost in a forest looking for the suicide Kool-AId group. Tough gamble going one-name in entertainment. Some people pull it off but talent and likability are usually prerequisites. Good luck RAAB! But I’ll pick Jordan. We’re Eskimo Bros. I think. Which means we stick together and I’m getting tested today.
Next up, we have Jared Rudolph (0-0, UR) versus Jon Haber (0-0, UR)!
Good god look at these two. They look like founding partners at the law offices of Date&Rape. The girls in the pic on the left we’re struggling to escape and the photo is actually evidence. Jon’s pic is a mug shot he photoshopped the background out and used has a headshot because his agent thought he looked “pensive”. Jon assumed it meant hot and went with it. He has his LinkedIn linked in his Twitter which shows he does not know how things work. That alone should force me to pick Jared, but I never trust anyone with a Bud Light AND a middle finger in the same pic. Awful. Jon it is.
Our Main Event has Leah Kayajanian (2-0, 25) against Doug Fager (2-0, 26)!
Love these two. Leah is shown here crushing her set at The Hella Show, hottest new show in town, and this is Doug destroying me at our Battle. This is a hot Roast Battle. These two are funny, smart joke writers. Friends of mine. I’ll pick Leah for two reasons.
- 1. Girls are 14-3 against guys.
- Fuck Doug for beating me. #arthurashe
“But Josh, you’re 1-2. Why should we listen or care about your analysis and speculation?”-you after reading this.
Hey just link me to your blog. Or have a Committee drum up some ranks. I got time.
I am 27-17 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.