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It is a new personal goal to sneak a DMB ref into every Report from here on out. Look at the crowd pop off here. Wave is into it. Balcony is impressed. This chick at the bottom has clearly claimed this hot guy as her own. Everybody is having a good time. There are so many parts to the show that go beyond just the verbal boxing. After the first undercard and before some sort of judicial hearing masquerading as a Battle, the Roastmaster himself did a little speed roast of random people in the crowd.

RANDOM LATIN DUDE

“You look like Mexican-American Apparel.”

“You’re here with your girlfriend and sister? Which one are you fucking?”

GIRL WHO CAME TO SEE DOUG

“You look like Lannister pussy.”

“Did you get raped at Bill Cosby’s and he gave you that sweater?”

He brought Tony Hinchcliffe up to help him speed roast and he was, uh…there. Hey, the sweater girl snuck one in!

“It’s come-off-able.”-in reference to her sweater, instantly chubbing every dude in the room. #confidence

It was so funny. Interesting to watch too. Jeff kinda slinked around them, sizing them up, doing what he does best. A nice glimpse of a Roastmaster readying his blowtorch. I wanted to make sure everyone remembered because our second undercard, the Blundercard, may have left you disoriented. But the rest of the the Battles and most Battles are the best of what’s around. #dmb

Before the reviews…I geek out fa sho whenever someone mentions they liked something I wrote. There are people who can’t make the late-night, mid-week show but are glad they have recaps and such. And now, there’s Periscope! Yes, the show is jumping on to the new social media bandwagon and the critics have spoken. So please, come hang with us every Tuesday at 1130. But if you can’t join us then check the stream because the idea of you missing out is too much to bear. #dmb

Bruh…you know.

Our first undercard had RAAB (1-1, 58) defeating Jordan Leer (0-1, 83)!

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Heyyy not a bad Battle dudes! Seriously proud of these two for a good show! It was like finding expired milk but it didn’t smell and worked for cereal. I got it wrong as part of 0-2 night but it’s whatevs.

JORDAN ON RAAB

“I know I look like I’m in a boy band but Raab looks like he raped a boy band.”

“Raabs had 4 stepdads. He gets booked on more weddings than actual comedy shows.”

These were his best two. RAAB ended on a bit of a dud but he had just the right amount of burn to win the crowd.

RAAB ON JORDAN

“Jordan has one of those names where it could be for a guy or a girl, Jordan is one of those guys that could be for a girl or a guy.”

“Looks like a frat bro, but sucks dick like a sorority sister.”

This gets ? ? / ? ? ? but it’s the closest to ? ? ? a ? ? has ever been.

Our second undercard…

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We tried this new thing where we aired an NPR commercial between Battles. Seriously, thank you to Jared Rudolph (0-0, 100) and Jon Haber (0-0, 99). These Reports can take like 2 hours sometimes and your snoozefest chopped about a half hour off of that. Here, just trust this review.

“Man, that felt like a podcast.”-Hannibal Buress

No flame emoji scale because this Battle was a pile of ?.

But alas, one of the Battles of the year was delivered right after, when Doug Fager (3-0, 13) defeated Leah Kayajanian (2-1, 30)!

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I had high expectations for this battle and it went above and beyond those expectations. If I had seen this Doug before my Battle with him, I may never have challenged him. Any one of his jokes could be Joke of the Night. Some might even have Joke of the Year potential. We’ll go over those after we cover Leah’s prowess in roasting dudes.

LEAH ON DOUG

“Doug looks like a dude who gets outsmarted by the child he kidnapped .”

“What can I say about Doug…that hasn’t already been written inside of a glory hole?”

“Why do you seem like you just got out of a divorce?”

Great jokes all of them. Now, these were all from the first round, which Leah won. The rest of her jokes were good but Doug took the next two rounds with such hot fire that Sauron wanted to know if there was a ring born from it.

DOUG ON LEAH

“Leah Kayajanian, your name is so long that if it were a nose it would be yours.”

“Leah your nose wouldn’t be so big if you’d stop telling people you’re a real comic.”

“Leah is in an on again off again relationship.  It’s on when he sees her body and off when he sees her face.”

“Leah is part of a group that was once nearly wiped off the face of the planet, the California Condor.”

“Leah’s family are so Armenian that on Thanksgiving they don’t eat Turkey, they wonder why it killed their grandparents.”

Oh thank you Tumblr for adding GIFs and helping me portray what Doug did to the Belly Room on Tuesday night. I think Doug won handily but they were both asked to throw down one more joke, which they complied.

LAST JOKE

“Leah is so hook nosed I tried to 69 with her and she literally tore me a new asshole.”

“Doug wanted to roast me so he could show his mom a picture of him standing next to a woman.”

This battle gets and deserves every bit of the full 5 flame emojis! ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!

JOKE OF THE NIGHT

“Leah’s family are so Armenian that on Thanksgiving they don’t eat Turkey, they wonder why it killed their grandparents.”

See you next week, folks. It’s gonna be a good good time. #dmb

I am 27-19 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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